A Second Chance
by gizmo71
Summary: Alternative Universe: Can these two lovers get past their grief and despair, to give themselves a fighting second chance at love?
1. Chapter 1

A SECOND CHANCE

Part One

At that time of the night, the hospital is very quiet. Patients are trying to sleep, nurses and doctors speak in hushed tones. Eli has always liked it that way, particularly these days: as it reflects his dark and somber mood.

There is light emitting from underneath Fitz's door. He knocks, softly, not expecting to get an answer. After a few seconds, he pushes the door open, hoping against all reason that Fitz has left and forgotten to switch off the lights, knowing that it's unlikely. Why is he here, Eli wonders, heart sinking… he shouldn't be here. He should be with her.

It occurs to him that a few months ago, he would have never wanted Fitz to be with Olivia. After all, Fitz was one of his longest standing friends, and therefore more than twice his daughter's age. Eli had been furious when he found out that they had slept together, because initially he could only view the relationship as an abuse of power on Fitz's part; clearly Fitz's had taken advantage of his beautiful and naive daughter, who had grown up to know and rely on him as a surrogate father figure, during a time (in which he can admit to now) he had failed to support and parent Liv himself. But, that's what tragedy does to you, he thinks bleakly. It makes you reconsider everything. It makes you wish for things which you thought you would never want.

He is about to call out, but stops himself, unprepared for the sight that greets him: Fitz slumped at his desk, head buried in his hands. Fitz looks up towards him, face wet with tears. Eli has never seen his friend in such pain before, not even when Mellie died. "I can't do this anymore, Eli… I just can't."

"Fitz. Please. You've both been through so much… give it more time, please".

Fitz shakes his head. "Eli… you don't understand! Every time I try to help, she pushes me away. Every time I tell her how much I love her, she throws it back to my face. Every time I tell her that there's nothing anyone could have done, she gets angry with me and tells me that I should have seen the signs since I'm supposed to be such a good doctor." He swallows. "This morning, I snapped at her. I tried to explain to her that I was grieving too. She refused to hear it. Every little thing I did wrong, every bit of hurt I've caused her, since the very beginning… she brought it up. We had a row. We said some terrible things to each other. Things you can't take back." Softly, painfully, he adds: "We're destroying each other, Eli. And it has to stop. Now."

Eli doesn't know what to say. He hadn't fully realised how bad things had got: too wrapped up in his own grief, too focused on the marital problems he was having with Maya, Liv's mum.

"What are you going to do?", he asks finally.

He sighs. "I've resigned. I'll leave in a couple of weeks…don't know where I'll go. It doesn't matter. All I know is… it's better for both of us if I leave." He falls silent. Then, with bitterness: "It's so ironic really. A year ago I was running off to Vermont because I was terrified that if I stayed, I wouldn't be able to resist my love for her. Now I'm running away because I'm terrified that if I stay, I'll end up hating her as much as she hates me."

"Fitz! She doesn't hate you! Surely you know that."

"Well, she can't stand being around me. Same difference", he snorts.

Eli's pager goes off. "I've got to go. Listen… I'm on all night here. Here are the keys to my place. Go and get some sleep there. We'll talk tomorrow."

But when he comes back an hour later, there still is light under Fitz's door. And this time, he doesn't go in. For what is there to say, in the face of such despair?

-x-

She has been standing in front of the baby's bedroom door for ages, willing herself to go in, unable to do so. Her heart is beating strongly in her chest; her throat feels very tight; her eyes are brimming with tears. She can no longer push aside her memories of that terrible night, two months before. Going in to give Josh his midnight feed, surprised that he hasn't woken for it yet. The small, very still form in the bed, not rousing, not crying, going grey, barely breathing. The sound of her screaming. Fitz running in in sheer panic. The attempt at resuscitation in the ambulance. The pediatric cardio-thoracic surgeon and Quinn battling and failing to repair the hole in the heart. Screaming at Fitz that he should have realised there was a problem. The funeral. The church packed with friends and colleagues. Standing next to Fitz, frozen in despair, almost hurtling herself at the coffin as they lower it into the ground. Not getting out of the house for days on end. Crying until she thinks she no longer has any tears left in her, only to start crying again. Witnessing Fitz's pain but being unable to reach out to him, to respond to his love: just this all consuming rage and grief. Since he stormed out after their row, a few days ago, Fitz hasn't come back home. All she knows, from her father, is that he is staying at his house, but from Fitz, nothing, no phone call, no text, no email. She can't blame him. Being apart from him for a few days has enabled her to get some perspective, and to realise how much she has been hurting him since Josh died. She doesn't think they can recover from this ordeal as a couple – particularly not after their row, where they threw at each other all their inadequacies and failures as persons and partners. Still, she owes him an apology, and to ask for his forgiveness. Whether he will want to give it is another thing, but at least she has to try.

And now, she is standing there, sensing somehow that today is the day when she has to go into that room and start packing away Josh's clothes and things. As she pushes the door open, she fears for a few seconds that she is going to faint. She steps inside resolutely. The room is exactly as it was when they left it two months ago, rushing out with the paramedics, stricken with terror for their son. Slowly, methodically, without giving herself time to think and reminisce, she starts sorting out baby grows, tee-shirts, socks, toys… surprisingly, she is able to do it relatively calmly.

"What are you doing?"

She is startled: she was so absorbed with what she was doing that she hadn't heard him come in. She looks at him and is struck by how tired and gaunt he looks. "Fitz… I… I thought it was time to… you know",

"Ah. And it didn't occur to you that I might have something to say about that? That I might want to do it too? No, of course not. After all, I was just his father and on top of it failed to save him…"

"Fitz! It's not like that! Look… I just…"

"Save it, Olivia", he cuts her off, "I'm not interested in whatever you have to say."

"But I just wanted to spare you this pain…" she whispers to his retreating back, even though she knows he can't hear her. She tracks him down a few minutes later in the main bedroom. He's throwing clothes into a suitcase.

"Fitz, what are you doing?"

"I'm leaving Washington tonight. Your dad has arranged for me to work at his friend's clinic in Ghana for a while. They're desperate for staff." He's spoken in a clipped, cold voice which he's never used with her before. Whereas these days apart have made her take stock of her appalling behaviour towards him, in turn it has hardened his grief and despair into anger towards her.

She's stunned. That was the last thing she expected. "But, Fitz, why?!"

He whips around and faces her. "You're asking me why?!", he asks incredulously. "After what's happened over the last two months… you're asking me why?!" He is breathing heavily, trying to control his temper. Suddenly, he's overcome by exhaustion. "Forget it, Olivia… I'm done with trying to explain myself to you. You can stay and live here if you want or move out… whatever. Frankly, I don't care."

He finishes his packing quickly. She tries one last time. "Fitz, please. Can we at least try and... talk?"

He snorts. "No. I've wanted nothing more than sit down and talk with you since… since… but you..." He can't bring himself to finish. What's the point? After a long pause, he adds: "It's too late, Olivia." He walks past her, out of the house.

She goes and stands by the window, watching him get in to his car, willing him to turn around and at least look at her, one last time.

He doesn't.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

It's three and half months since he's started working with David, Eli's old college friend. The clinic is located in a smallish town of about 5000 people, but it's the only medical facility in a two hundred miles radius. David and Fitz are the only full time doctors there; a couple of local women who trained as nurses and came back are providing essential nursing care. Next to the clinic is a Red Cross orphanage which caters for about twenty children, boys and girls of all ages from all over this part of Africa.

He's working flat out. Twelve, fifteen hours at the clinic, back to his sparsely furnished flat next door to collapse and get some sleep, and back to work again. It's a far cry from the ultra-modern kind of medicine he is used to practicing in the US – but it's medicine in its purest form. He has to draw on his long forgotten surgical, pediatrics and obstetrics skills, as well as on his expertise in anesthetics and pain relief.

He gets on well with David, whom he didn't really know before. David knows about his personal circumstances from Eli, of course, but hasn't tried to find out more. He's less impetuous, calmer than Eli, wiser in many ways, and as they are slowly becoming friends, Fitz knows that if he ever wants to confide in him, David will be there, good, solid, attentive. So will Abby, his wife of nine years, who is running the orphanage.

As the days merge into one another, his pain and grief at the loss of his son become more manageable. He witnesses enormous suffering every day– the suffering born from senseless wars and bottomless destitution, and although he never shares with his patients anything of what he himself has endured, simply to know that he is not alone somewhat helps him.

He's called Eli a few times, to let him know how things are, and to set up, via the Hospital's charity, a system whereby medical supplies they no longer need is sent to the clinic. Although Eli isn't saying much, Fitz can tell that he isn't happy and so he struggles to muster up the courage to ask about Olivia. For now, he absolutely cannot deal with the thought of losing her, or dwell on the memory of her long, slow, rejection of him in the aftermath of Josh's death and of their rows. And so when thoughts of her come into his mind, as they do every day, he pushes them aside.

Every day, he does a round at the orphanage. Most of the children suffer from long term malnutrition, a few of them are HIV positive and will most certainly develop AIDS. All of them have been through traumatic times. Somehow, though, the atmosphere in the orphanage is full of joy, thanks to Abby's compassion and wicked sense of humour. For those children, it's a refuge, a place where they are fed and treated if they are ill, but above all where they are held, soothed and comforted when they wake up from a nightmare, where no one ever hits them or screams at them, where they can play in peace and, for the oldest of them, get a basic education.

A couple of months after he started working there, they take on a new little boy. From patchy records they know that he is called Zach, that he is about 6 or 7 and that both his parents were killed in Rwanda a couple of years previously, probably in front of him, and that it's a miracle that he is still alive. Somehow, he's ended up there – the vagaries of the Red Cross refugee camps – and hasn't said a word or smiled since. On admission, he lets Abby and the other volunteers feed and wash him, but without really relating to them. He is very guarded but quiet, until one of the nurses start on his first medical check. He goes crazy at the sight of the stethoscope, thrashes around wildly, and refuses to be touched. His screams are so loud that Fitz can hear them from the other side of the building.

When he gets there to investigate what on earth is going on, Zach is huddled in his bed in the fetal position, sobbing inconsolably. "Sorry Fitz", the nurses says, "there's no way we can check him out. He won't let us."

"Don't worry, it can wait a few days. He's only been here twenty four hours, and according to the Red Cross records, he's physically healthy, so…"

As he keeps talking to the nurse, about Zach and a couple of the other children, he realises that Zach has stopped crying, and that he is actually listening to him, until his breathing quietens and he goes off to sleep.

In the following weeks, in the classroom, Zach does what he is asked to do, listlessly, although he is obviously very clever. At meal times, he eats what he has to eat; at night, he goes to bed when he is asked to. He is very obedient, but constantly watchful, as if he has been let down and betrayed so many times that he can't allow himself to relax. And he still hasn't uttered a word or smiled. Since his first visit, though, Fitz has noticed that whenever he is at the orphanage, Zach follows him around from a distance and never takes his eyes off him. In fact, he seems to have figured out which time of the day Fitz usually comes in, and he hovers around the entrance door, as if waiting for him. Fitz has talked to Abby about it, and they've decided to pretend that nothing is happening. Of all the members of staff, he is the only one in whom Zach shows an interest, and it would be stupid to scare him off by making a big fuss.

About a month or so after Zach's arrival, Fitz is sitting in the tiny office next to the children's playroom and doing some paperwork, when he senses that Zach is looking at him from the doorstep. He looks up and smiles at the boy briefly, not making a fuss, and starts talking to him in a soft, low voice, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. He describes what he is doing, ventures a few thoughts as to what Zach has probably been up to today, without staring at him, without making big gestures, all the while sorting out his paperwork. And so it becomes a ritual: every day, at the end of his round, Fitz sits down in the office, busies himself with paperwork, and talks to Zach. At first, Zach stays on the threshold. Then he takes just one step. Then, after a few days, he comes and stands close to the desk.

One afternoon, after a particularly busy round, Fitz sinks into the chair. Zach is there, as usual. But this time, he is holding something behind his back. Fitz doesn't ask him what it is: Zach will produce it – whatever it is – when he is ready, there's no hurry. Fitz slows down with his paperwork to give him more time. As he is about to get up, having run out of things to do, Zach thrusts his hand forward and puts a sheet of paper on the desk. It's a drawing: two human figures, it seems, a tall one and a small one. It looks as if the sticks which represent their arms are touching, as if they are holding hands. Before Fitz can say anything, Zach puts his finger on the small figure, then on the tall figure.

And in a voice made very rusty by months of near complete silence, he states: "Zach. Fitz."

-x-

David has been waiting at the airport for over an hour, feeling conspicuous with his big "Dr David Rosen" sign. At last the flight is confirmed as landed. His pick-up is the last passenger to trickle through. He greets her with a wave and a friendly smile. She looks a bit uncertain- after all, they've never met before-and he wants to put her at ease.

"Good, you're here, finally! OK, let's go and get the medical supplies you came with, and then, off to the clinic? It's about an hour's drive."

From the large baggage area they collect boxes of syringes, medicine, limb prostheses… thank God he had the good sense to come with the van.

"So… how was your flight? You look tired, if you don't mind me saying…"

She smiles at him wanly. "Well, getting that stuff organised was a bit of a business…anyway, I'm here now." After a pause, she asks: "Do you want to tell me more about the clinic? I mean… I don't know much about it actually."

"OK. Well… There're two doctors, me and Fitz. So we both have to pitch in with everything: surgery, general medicine, births…you name it. Plus two nurses, with you, that makes three. And a few volunteers to help with the orphanage, which Abby, my wife, runs. With any luck, we'll get a third doctor in a few weeks. Tell you the truth, in some ways you're a God send. Especially as Fitz has been away for a week and won't be back for another three or four days…"

"Why is that?", she asks conversationally.

"Well, we have a sort of medical outpost, a couple of hundred miles away from the clinic. One of us goes there every couple of months, for a week or so, to save those people the trek to our clinic."

"So he doesn't know about the arrangement, then? That the supplies would come with a nurse attached?"

"Nope. It all happened so quickly, and I haven't managed to get hold of him."

She falls silent. So does he. After a while, as he is pulling up in front of his house, he says, gently: "Look, I know it's a lot to take in… that you've never been here, never done that kind of nursing…on top of everything else. But… it'll be OK, don't worry."

A couple of hours later, after he's introduced her to all members of staff, he gives her a tour of the place. She's impressed by what they've managed to do with so few resources. At the orphanage, the children look at her with a curious but friendly gaze. Two of the babies grip her fingers tightly when she holds their hands, a couple of the older kids show her the classroom with enormous pride. She notices a small boy in the corner. He's hunched over his desk and is drawing furiously. "Who is he?", she asks David.

"Oh. This is Zach. Also known as Fitz's shadow."

At her raised eyebrows, he explains: "He came here almost four months ago and didn't speak for several weeks. Fitz was the only one of us he would relate to. He would follow him around, never let him out of his sight… In fact, his first words were his name and Fitz's… since then, he's got more and more attached to him."

She observes Zach for a while. "It must be hard, for him these days, then…" she says softly.

"Very hard. He's been almost regressing since Fitz has been away. You know: speaking less, withdrawing… the one thing that seems to help is the drawing. Fitz has managed to phone once or twice but…"

"Is he attached to Zach?"

David doesn't say anything for a few seconds, absorbed as he is in Zach's behaviour. Then: "Yes. He is. Very much so. When he got here, he was… well, in a pretty bad shape. And for a long time he just went through the motions. But since Zach has been here, he's been more relaxed, more at peace I guess."

Neither says much for a while. Then David steers her to the door: "Come on, let's go. Abby is expecting us for diner and you're starting early tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

He's glad to be coming back to the clinic. Those ten days in the medical outpost – alone there with one local nurse – have been very hard. He's missed David and Abby, their long drawn out chats after diner, their uncomplicated affection, their sense of humour too. Above all, he's missed Zach, more than he ever thought possible.

When Zach gave him his drawing of the two of them, he was taken aback at first, and then moved to tears. He hid it from the little boy, not wanting to upset him, but he couldn't hide it from Abby when he told her about it afterwards. Since then, he's got closer and closer to Zach. It wasn't easy at first, as he had to make sure that the other children would not get resentful. But it gave him the idea of setting up a buddy scheme, whereby each child at the orphanage would be buddied by a volunteer, or member of staff, or some local family, and spend some one to one, privilege time with them. Quite naturally, it was decided that he would be Zach's buddy, which means that every day he can spend some time with him. They draw together, or go for a walk, or read a book, or fool around with a ball. As time goes by, Zach slowly opens up. He has started smiling – mostly to Fitz at first, but then at the other children. He's learning to speak again – in English: his mother tongue hasn't yet come back, which David puts down to the trauma he suffered when his family was murdered.

When Fitz explained to him that he had to go but would definitely be back in less than two weeks, Zach gave him such a haunted, wounded look, that he was almost tempted not to go. He had no choice, though: too many patients needed seeing in that outpost. He's tried to phone every day, unsuccessfully. The hardest part is knowing that although he's promised Zach he would be back, Zach doesn't understand promises, and probably believes that Fitz has gone forever.

And Fitz cannot stand the thought that Zach is in such pain, which is why he is now pressing down harder on the gas, willing the car to go faster. He doesn't dwell too much on the future. Of course, he knows he won't stay in Ghana forever, that at some point he will go back to the US – that his life is there, really, not here. And he doesn't want to think about what will happen to Zach then. For now, all he cares about is giving him as much affection as he can, for as long as he is here. He doesn't understand why Zach has come to depend on him so much: he's not a natural with children, especially so young. But somehow, for some reason, Zach loves him. And the love of this little boy, who has lost so much already in his life, surrounds and comforts him in his bleakest moments – those moments when he can't help thinking about Josh, about Olivia too.

Finally, he's made it back. He parks the car and goes straight into the orphanage. It's 7pm, after diner/pre-bed playtime, and there's a good chance Zach is up. He runs up the stairs to the older children's dormitory, and freezes: Zach is there, sitting on the floor, drawing (of course), and talking at the same time (more surprising.) But he isn't alone.

There's a young woman with him.

-x-

He barges into David's office, oblivious to the fact that Abby is in there, and obviously worried about something.

"What is she doing here?", he blurts out angrily.

David and Abby exchange a here-we-go look. Then, in a very calm, very measured way, David explains: "Fitz. Hi. Glad you're back. Well… we got a huge shipment of supplies a few days ago. Because there was so much stuff, the charity insisted that a qualified medic travel with it. She was available."

"Yeah. Right. So why hasn't she gone back, then?", he asks aggressively. "Why didn't you tell me anything about it?!" He carries on.

"Fitz! One, you were out of touch most of the time because the phone lines were so bad… I wasn't going to turn down two months' worth of syringes, AIDS medicine and painkillers! Two, we need as much medical help as we can get and she is fully qualified. Three, I hate to remind you, but she is Eli's daughter, and I don't need your permission to invite her over."

"What?! Don't tell me she is staying?!". He can't believe that David would do this to him.

Neither says anything. They can both see how upset he is, how difficult he is finding it. David is about to let him know what's been decided, but Fitz goes: "I was doing fine. I was doing just fine, so why did she have to…" He can't go on.

"Fitz", Abby interjects gently. "Fitz, come on. The only person you've allowed yourself to get close to emotionally is a damaged little boy. That's not what I would call doing fine."

She hit so close to the bone that he flinches. After a few moments, he asks: "How long is she staying for?"

David and Abby exchange yet another look: a "and now the tough bit" look. Hesitantly, David says: "Well, we wanted to talk to you about that. But basically, the nurse in charge of the orphanage quit while you were away. We won't get a replacement from the Red Cross for another three months. Olivia has agreed to step in, provided you agree of course."

He walks over to the window. He can see the light in the older children's dormitory. He knows that she is there… no way, he thinks, there's no way I can allow this. I can't deal with her, with everything that's happened. I just can't.

He turns around to face them, and his refusal must show on his face, because David immediately says, ruthlessly going for the jugular: "We hope you'll say yes. She's only been here for a few days, and she's already done wonders with some of the most vulnerable kids. Especially Zach."

For a few seconds he fears he's gone too far: Fitz has gone white as a sheet. "How dare you blackmail me, David… how dare you." He stops, exhausted all of a sudden by his struggle with the emotions raging inside him. "Sorry, David, I can't do it. I just can't."

"Fine!" And now David is getting angry with him. "Fine! So you go and explain to those children that the new nurse who sings nursery rhymes with them, and helps them go to sleep, and plays games while treating their cuts and grazes has to go! You go and tell them that she must leave because you're unable to make your peace with her!" More quietly, he adds: "You go and tell Zach that the only woman he has felt really close to in ages, probably since his mother died, must go because you've decided she can't stay! Because you see, Fitz, and I am really sorry to have to tell you this, she is the only person apart from you he will show his drawings!"

At that Fitz wants to scream: I don't want to hear this! He thinks, I don't want to hear that she is being wonderful and warm, and kind, with everybody…. and that somehow she's managed to win Zach's affection in just a few days! I can't stand the pain of watching her mothering a little boy I love, when she could have been a mother to our own child…

He is ashamed of himself for being so jealous of Olivia's bond with Zach, but mostly for thinking for even a second that his own equilibrium should come before the emotional health of a little boy who has seen and experienced so much suffering. So he gives in. "OK", he states, past his tight throat. "Fine. Let's keep her on for three months. I'll stay out of her way. Make sure she knows it's best if she stays out of mine. Now, if you don't mind, I'll go and see Zach."

He goes back to the orphanage, heart in his mouth. Zach and Olivia are still drawing together in the boys' dormitory. For a while, he stays there, looking at them, making sure they can't hear him. He can't help noticing that she's lost a lot of weight, that her voice sounds older. Suddenly, Zach looks up from his crayons: astonishment, confusion, and immense joy show on his face. Wordlessly, he gets up and runs to Fitz, and throws his arms around his waist. Fitz lifts him up and holds him close; it's as if Zach will never let him go, as if he wants to merge with him. He is gripping Fitz so tightly that his muscles are trembling.

"It's OK, Zach, it's OK, it's OK… it's OK…" He keeps repeating it, again and again, to soothe Zach, who is slowly relaxing, but also to postpone the moment when he will have to face her. He knows he's got to, and that she is standing there, looking at him holding Zach.

And although his eyes are half closed and his cheek is pressed against Zach's head, he senses that she is taking a few slow, hesitant steps towards him.

"Hi."


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for all the reviews and the interest guys- i'm so glad you're enjoying it!

Part 4

Ever since she's got here, she's been preparing herself for that moment. But now, she realises that you can never really know what it's like, to see for the first time in three months the man you love and the father of your lost child – and to see him hold against him a little boy whom you've grown attached to, a little boy who shows you what your son could have become. And you can never know what it's like to see this man look at you with such cold anger – not the anger of heated rows, but the anger born from months of nurtured pain and hostility.

Zach's broken chatter jolts her out of her gloominess. In a blur, she hears Fitz suggest to her that she wait in the small office while he puts Zach to bed, and she sees herself hug Zach as tightly as he hugged Fitz earlier.

In the office, she can't stay still. All she can think of is this long talk she had with her father, three weeks earlier. He'd picked her up after work, concerned at how drawn and wan she looked, and for the first time in a while, he had found the courage to probe, and push, and insist, until she would tell him what she was thinking, feeling, about Josh, Fitz and trying to cope with everything. And for the first time in a while, she managed to explain it all to him.

Dad was wrong, she thinks, as she is remembering that painful evening. I shouldn't have come here. What was I expecting? That three months here would have enabled him to forgive me? That we would be able to make peace with each other, as Dad is hoping we will, and that we would both be able to move on? What a joke.

"Olivia."

She hadn't heard him come in, and she whips around. "Fitz! You scared me."

"Sorry."

Now that she is facing him properly, she notices the small changes in his appearance. The deeper lines around his mouth. The very short stubble forming on his chin and his hair greyer in places than she remembered. His skin, tanned, where it's sunny here all year long, compared to the US. His eyes, flat somehow, guarded.

Neither says anything, and the tension mounts. She has to break the silence. "Fitz, look… I wish they had been able to contact you before I came. I never wanted to spring it on you like this…"

"Why did it have to be you? With the supplies, I mean." He refuses to beat about the bush. He's given his agreement to David but he is damned if he is going to pretend that it's all fine by him.

"Fitz, please…I didn't come here to make a scene or…."

"Ah. Yes. Exactly the words you said when you came to my cabin in Vermont. We both know what happened next." He can't believe he's just said that, and with such venom, such bitterness. She's gone very pale, and her eyes are filling with tears. "Olivia… I… I'm sorry, I should never have said that. That was…"

"Don't worry", she cuts him off, devastated by his ability, and willingness, to hit her where it hurts the most. "I have no intention of telling you that I love you, that I am convinced you love me… And I have no intention of sleeping with you tonight, or any night for that matter. And even if I did, this time, believe me, I'd make absolutely sure I wouldn't get pregnant. I came here because I…" And then, she stops. What's the point, she thinks bleakly, what's the point of trying to explain when he won't listen. And why should he listen? I shut down after Josh's death and pushed him away again and again so….

She turns away from him. "Look, I'll tell David I can leave tomorrow. Obviously you don't want me to stay so…"

As she is making her way out, he says, very quietly: "I told him I was OK with you staying for three months. We desperately need a new nurse. Plus, the children… Zach needs you. And anyway, you and I won't have much to do with each other outside my rounds. I'm sure that we can both remain professional and deal with it well." He himself can hear how formal he sounds – as if he were interviewing a prospective candidate for the job. When will I ever be able to relate to her normally, he thinks in despair, when?

She looks at him, with almost pity. That's it, Fitz, go android on me. God knows I've learnt to match you on that front.

"Good", she replies, equally formally, but slowly crumbling inside. "Now, if you don't mind, David and Abby are expecting me. I'll see you tomorrow, then. Good night."

"Good night, Olivia", he whispers as she walks off. He suddenly realises how tense his body is. Slowly he forces himself to relax. It's going to be OK, he thinks, I'll do my rounds, and I won't really see her outside them, except for when I come and pick Zach up, but that's only five minutes now and then so… it'll be fine. We don't need to have anything to do with each other

Except that Zach has other ideas.

-x-

Zach doesn't understand what's going on. When Fitz left two weeks ago – he knows it's two weeks, because Fitz showed him how to count days on the calendar., he was very upset. Fitz has promised he would be back. But Zach didn't know what a promise means, so he assumed that Fitz had left for good. All the grown-ups he's ever loved has left him behind, so why not Fitz? But it hurt –a lot. It's not like he needs Fitz to play football or read stories with him, anyone can do that. It's just that when he is with Fitz, things feel better. He can forget what happened when his parents died, and the bad stuff in the camp, before he got here. He likes listening to him and watching him look after the sick kids. It's like, he is very gentle but not pushy like other people who are "concerned about Zach." He's heard them say this a lot, and he isn't sure what it means, but he doesn't like it. It's like… they say it so seriously and it makes him feel nervous. But Fitz is different. He plays with him, and hugs him, and makes it obvious that he cares, but in a nice way. It feels all warm, and fuzzy, and comfortable. And he isn't like this doctor from the camp who…

But he can't think about that now. What he can think of is what happened after Fitz left. For five days – he counted them– he felt as if he wanted to die. He likes David a lot, and Abby of course… but it's not the same. He heard a nurse the other day, who said she liked some guy, but didn't love him. He thinks that's what it is: that he likes David and Abby, but he loves Fitz. And it's very different. Like he loved his mum and dad, and his brothers and little sister. But they died, and Fitz left, so what about him now?

And then, someone called Olivia arrived. David explained it all: she is his friend's daughter and that she will stay for three months and look after all the kids. He counted how many days on the calendar: about 90. At the time he was glad that David said when she was leaving. Because if you know that someone's going to leave, then you know there's no point in loving them. He didn't really pay attention to her at first, until he fell off his bed during a big pillow fight and cut himself on his knee. He had to have stiches. When the other nurse came in with the needle, he started yelling his head off. He can't bear needles. They remind him of the doctor in the camp…

The nurse was getting annoyed, he could tell, but so what. He's decided no one would ever use needles on him. Ever. Not even Fitz. So she didn't stand a chance. And then Olivia came in. She looked at the cut and said that she could glue it back together. No needles. He couldn't believe it: glue? Like when you do collage and that kind of stuff? Olivia started laughing and told him it was a special kind of glue, and she did it. It stung a lot though, and he got upset again. But she took him in her arms to comfort him. He doesn't like it much when people take him in their arms. It makes him go all tense. Except with Fitz. And with Olivia now. Fitz is kind of tall and solid, but Olivia is all soft. It felt really nice. And that's when he started feeling a bit better about things.

And then one day, Olivia started drawing with him. She wasn't really looking at his drawings, or saying much, she was just being there. And they started doing it every day, just the two of them. Nobody else. When she started showing him her stuff, he started doing the same. It's the polite thing to do: Fitz had explained it to him, it's called "reciporcating", or "recirpocating", or something complicated like that. He likes her drawings: they're full of colours and shapes, they're not like houses, or people, or the sun, or trees. Just shapes. Whereas his are… he can't really talk about them. It's too hard. But Olivia seems to get that, because she never asks him to tell her what they are about. And that's nice.

And then Fitz got back. When he saw him, standing there, looking at him and Olivia, he felt all funny inside, like his heart had stopped beating, and like his eyes saw him but he couldn't understand it. And then Fitz smiled at him, and all he could do was run, and run, and run, and throw himself against him. That was the bestest day of his life.

But now, things are odd. Because Olivia is sad. And Fitz is different. Not with him. In fact it's even better now because sometimes he can stay over at Fitz's house, and they have food, and go for a walk, and read lots of stories before he goes to bed. And Fitz hugs him more. But he is kind of strange. At first, Zach couldn't figure out why. But then he realised that it's when Olivia is around. It's like there is nobody there. Like he is there but not there. It's really hard to understand. And she is the same, except that her eyes are really sad. Fitz's eyes are sad too, but he is better at hiding it. Not from him though, because he loves Fitz and looks at him a lot, but also because in the camp he learnt how to figure people out. You had to, otherwise…

But he can't think about that now. In fact, all he can think of is what he heard the other day. One of the nurses and one of the women from the village who comes and helps were talking about Olivia. He was there but they weren't paying attention. When he is a grown up he will never behave as if kids weren't around. Anyway, the nurse was saying something like "it's so hard for Olivia, with her terrible loss…" and then they walked away.

He's been wondering about it all day long. What has she lost? It can't be one of her rings, or a syringe, or a dress… that's not a terrible loss. He felt like asking her, but decided not to. He'll ask Fitz tonight, he is staying at his flat. Fitz always says that if he is worried about something, he must tell him, so…

But when they settle on the sofa, before bedtime, he's nervous. Fitz asks him what's wrong. So he takes a deep breath, and says: "I'm worried about Olivia."

Why is Fitz doing this half laugh half smile thing? It's not funny. "Zach… I'm sorry, I'm not making fun of you… it's just… it's such a grown up thing to say, you know."

OK. But now he doesn't know what to say. "Zach", and this time, Fitz sounds very gentle. He loves it when Fitz uses his very low voice. It's like a soft rumble. "Zach, what are you worried about?"

"Has she lost something?"

That must be a strange question because Fitz looks at him with big eyes. So he tries again. "She is sad a lot of the time. I've seen her cry. She thinks I don't know it, but I do. And this morning the other nurse said she had lost something. That it was a terrible loss."

He's tried to sound strong, but he could hear that his voice was shaking. And why does Fitz look all funny, like he's going to be sick? He's beginning to get really scared. He can't be very worried about two people at the same time, especially the one person he loves and the one person he likes best. It's just too hard.

"Zach." This time Fitz sounds really tired. And really sad. "Zach, Olivia is sad because… well, a few months ago, she had a baby, and the baby died. He was very ill."

"Oh." He finds that very upsetting. He remembers how much his mum and dad cried when his baby sister died. But there's something he doesn't understand. "Fitz?", he asks, feeling very unsure.

"Yes?"

"Does Olivia have a husband?"

Again, the big eyes. "No, Zach, why?"

He has to think hard. Now he really, really doesn't understand. "If Olivia doesn't have a husband, where did the baby come from?"

It's very odd. Fitz looks as if he wants to smile and cry at the same time. "Oh Zach… people can make babies together even if they're not married."

Zach wants to say something but he waits, because Fitz is doing this thing with his face, when he has something really, really difficult to say. And he is holding him very tightly. "Zach… Olivia' baby, it was my baby too. We made him together. "

Zach can't believe it. It all feels like a jumble of stuff in his head: Olivia and Fitz together, and they made a baby, and the baby died, and now they're here at the orphanage. "So why aren't you being nice to each other?", he blurts out, almost indignant.

"Zach! We're not being mean, are we…?"

Zach is feeling sorry because Fitz seems really upset. He snuggles up against him. And then, without looking at him, he says "No. But when my baby sister died, my mum and dad had lots of hugs when they were crying. They were nice to each other. But Olivia and you… it's like… you're not being mean, but you're not being nice too. It's like… it's like it doesn't matter whether you're there or not. It feels like a nothing."

He stops, because he doesn't know how to explain it better. But that's the great thing about Fitz, he gets things Zach tells him even when he can't explain well. "Zach… sometimes, when two people lose a baby, they feel so sad, so bad, so angry about it, that they can't help each other. All they can do is leave the other person alone. It doesn't mean they don't care about them."

He doesn't understand what caring about someone really means. He senses it's not like liking them, or loving them, it's kind of in between. He doesn't like in between feelings. They make him feel uncomfortable. But he realises that he can't ask Fitz whether he likes Olivia or whether he loves her. So he says nothing. Plus, he's getting really tired now. In fact, he can feel he's beginning to fall asleep. Fitz is carrying him to his small bed by the window and kisses him on the head. The last thing he hears is Fitz telling him, in a strange voice, like he's finding it hard to talk: "Good night Zach. I love you." The last thing he feels is something wet on his forehead.

Like a tear.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

Zach's obvious distress at Olivia's and his situation shook Fitz very badly. He hadn't realised that this quiet and shy little boy was so attuned to their moods and behaviour with each other, and that he felt so keenly about it all. Having to explain to him why Olivia was so sad reopened his wound more widely, more gapingly than he thought possible. But he knows from hard, painful experience that when the pain is as excrutiating as it is now, there's no point in fighting it. All you can do is let it invade you, wash over you, and trust that it will go away and become more manageable once again. So he is lying on his bed, not trying to fight his grief and sadness, aware that things with Olivia somehow will have to change, but unable to see how he will find the will to make them change.

When he told Zach that he basically still cared about Olivia, that was the truth. But when he also told him how angry and sad he was at Josh's death, how unable he was to reach out to Olivia, that was also the truth. So where does he go from there?

He is gloomily pondering all this when his phone rings.

"Fitzgerald Grant Speaking."

"Fitz, hi, it's me." A silence, then: "Olivia", she adds unnecessarily.

"Olivia. Hi." He can't bring himself to saying more.

"Fitz, what's wrong?"

Everything, he thinks: you, me, Josh, Zach, the fact that I only need to say four words and you can sense that things are not good, and that I can't help liking this connection between us and resenting it at the same time… God what a mess.

He clears his throat, bracing himself. "I'm fine. Don't worry. What can I do for you?"

He can picture her, standing by the phone, stiffening a bit at his formal tone. Well Olivia, I tried being your lover, friend, partner, but you didn't want to hear about it after Josh, so…

"It's just that… well, Zach seemed very out of sorts today. I was just ringing to find out how he is. Look, it doesn't matter, I'll see him in the morning anyway. I'd better…"

"He was worried about you", he cuts her off.

"What? What do you mean?"

He doesn't know whether to carry on. But then, slowly, hesitantly, carefully, he says: "He's noticed that you look very sad sometimes. And he's seen you cry. He asked me why."

He can hear her gasp. "And?", she asks shakily.

"I told him about Josh."

She doesn't say anything, and this time he can't picture as to how she must look right now.

Eventually… "I wish I had been with you."

To his ears she sounds reproachful, and he can't repress his quick flash of anger: "Oh don't worry, Olivia. I only told him the bare facts. That Josh was our baby, and that he died. I didn't say anything I wouldn't have been able to say to him in front of you. Like the fact that afterwards you completely shut me out and…"

"Fitz!" Her cry, full of pain and anguish, stops him: "Fitz, I didn't mean it that way! I only meant that… that telling him must have been very painful for you, and that I wished I had been by your side. That we could have done that together." She is audibly trying to get herself under control. Then: "And by the way, it's not a criticism. You did the right thing. It's just…"

"It's OK, Olivia… I'm sorry I misunderstood you."

They both fall silent. He doesn't know what to say, but he's reluctant to end the call. She seems to be feeling the same. After a while, she asks: "Is he OK? How did he take it?"

"He was upset, but he's fine now. He's asleep."

He can almost hear her swallow. "And you, Fitz? How are you?"

Finally, you ask, he thinks with such bitterness, after months and months of nothing, finally you ask. "I'll be fine", he says, not wanting to go into a long talk about the past.

"Fitz, I… I'm so sorry about…"

"Olivia", he interrupts her, "I don't have the strength for this tonight." This time, though, his tone was gentle.

"I understand", she whispers. "I'll see you tomorrow."

When he wakes up the next day, he realises that for the first time in months, he slept through, deeply, restfully… and without nightmares.

-x-

Olivia can't believe she's been in Ghana for six weeks. At first, she thought she would never be able to hack it – to stand seeing Fitz day in, day out (more so than before in fact, since the clinic is tiny compared to their busy teaching hospital back home), and to come to terms with the fact that Fitz had no intention to talk about Josh's death and the two months that followed it. She finds his formal, polite demeanour with her is more painful than an outright hostility would have been. And had it not been for David, Abby and Zach, she would have left.

David and Abby have been a tower of support. She'd never met them before, but now that she is living with them, she has got very fond of them. They've let her be, making it clear that they were here for her to talk to, but only if she wanted to, and showing her with enormous kindness, that in them she would find support, but above all a friendship. They've never tried to get her and Fitz together socially – displaying a tact and sensitivity for which she is grateful.

As for Zach… she was totally unprepared for him. Reserved, quiet, but so endearing in so many ways. His love for precision – counting days, for example - his gentleness with the smaller children, his sense of humour too, his fragility... And his immense love for Fitz. He talks about him a lot – and for a while she found it difficult. But now, she's got used to it, and finds it touching. But she is worried about it. Because although it's obvious that Fitz loves Zach, it's also clear to her that he won't stay in Ghana forever, and that he doesn't seem to realise that the more he lets Zach attach himself to him, the harder it will be when he has to leave. And she is all the more worried about Zach and that he seems more and more troubled in some unfathomable ways which send uneasy prickles down her spine. His terror of needles shows no sign of abating, in fact, it's getting worse. When he is having his bath, he now insists on being alone in the bathroom –fair enough, from what they know he must be about 7 – but his discomfort when an adult other than her or Fitz gets close to the bathroom makes her very uneasy – as well as the amount of time he spends washing himself. Above all, almost every night now, he has terrible nightmares. These are the only moments when he uses his mother tongue, and as none of them understands it, they don't know what he is dreaming of. His drawings do not seem to offer much of a clue: the colours he uses are darker and darker, the figures more threatening. On the couple of occasions she tried to get him to talk about it, he clammed up so defensively that she decided it was best to leave it: she is not a child psychologist, and she doesn't want to risk harming him by probing too hard.

Thinking back on it, she realised that Zach has been getting worse since Fitz told him about Josh. Yesterday, when she mentioned it to Fitz, he was very defensive about it at first, so much so that she snapped at him. "For God's sake Fitz! Stop taking everything I say as a critique! I'm not implying that you did the wrong thing! You were right to tell him: he'd have found out anyway, and it was better coming from you… it's just that it seemed to have triggered something in him, and I thought I would mention it. And no, I am not suggesting that you were too busy to see the signs! Chill out, will you?!" At which point he calmed down, told her that he had noticed the change in Zach's behaviour too, and that hopefully, the new doctor with lots of experience in pediatrics whom they were expecting in a couple of weeks would help out with him.

She knows of course why Fitz is so sensitive: her behaviour to him after Josh died didn't exactly show him that she trusted him, nor his ability to deal with painful and complex emotions and to exercise his judgement. God knows she feels immensely guilty about that. She tried to get him to talk about it, but he still refuses to, so tough: meanwhile, she has to help Zach as best as she can, and if that means hurting Fitz's feelings, then so be it.

In a way, her explosion did both of them a lot of good. She saw that she could stand up to him without triggering World War Three, and this has enabled her to relax around him. And it seems to her that he welcomed the old Olivia back, with her spunk and fighting spirit, as if he knows how to relate to that Olivia, but not to the woman ridden with pain and guilt which she had become since he left for Ghana.

So things between them are getting better. They are no longer excruciatingly polite with each other: they are able to banter (up to a point), to discuss patients freely and fruitfully, to go for a quick bite at lunch time, sometimes with other members of staff, on one or two occasions alone (when they take great care to avoid any personal and meaningful topics of conversation.) It's not ideal, but at least it works for them.

For now.


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

It's her day off today, and she's feeling out of sorts. Zach had a pretty bad night, and as he was staying at the orphanage, rather than at Fitz's, she had to deal with it. Fortunately, in the morning he didn't seem to remember any of it. She does though, the shouts she can't understand, the shivering body… She loves him – she's stopped kidding herself that she was just fond of him – and to see him in such distress is very hard. She is also feeling homesick and is longing for a night out with Quinn and Harrison, for a nice diner with her parents… but above all, she misses Fitz – the way he was when they finally got back together, in those wonderful weeks after Josh' birth: relaxed, happy, smiling, open and trustful.

She doesn't know what to do with herself today. David and Abby are both busy at the clinic and the orphanage, so are the other nurses. God knows what Fitz is up to. I'll go for a long walk, she thinks, then a nice lunch, and a long, long, long nap. Pamper myself for a change.

There's a knock on her door. Fitz and Zach are standing on the doorstep, the former looking sheepish, the latter incredibly tense. Fitz clears his throat and scratches his cheek, not quite looking at her. She knows that look so well, the I-am-feeling-really-awkward look, and she is overcome by such a wave of tenderness that she has to make a big effort not to reach out and touch him.

"Hi"

She can't help but smile, and like old times she finds herself mirroring him. "Hi"

Nervous, he swallows at the familiarity it brings, before proceeding to ask what it is that he and Zack came here for… "We were wondering… well, I know it's your day off, and I have the day off too… and Zach doesn't have school today, so we thought…"

Zach is very scared that she will say no, and if she says no then it's best to know as soon as possible, so why is Fitz taking so much time? "Come to the beach with us", he blurts out. Then he remembers his manners: "Please?" He asks.

She's stunned. That was the last thing she was expecting. For a few seconds, she's tempted to say no. But then she sees how Zach is already getting resigned to the inevitable and putting a brave face on it. "Sure, why not?". Zach's radiant smile says it all. She looks at Fitz: his tight smile says it all too: I'm not sure this is a good idea, but for Zach's sake…

The beach is 10 minutes away by car. To Zach it seems as if they will never get there. He's never been to the beach, in fact he's never seen the sea, ever, and he's scared and excited. Mostly, he can't believe that he's going to spend the day – a whole day – with Fitz and Olivia. When Fitz said it would be nice to ask her to come along, he didn't dare believe she would say yes. But then she did, and it was amazing. They'll get some food at the beach and have a picnic. Fitz explained it: you sit down on the sand, and you can eat with your fingers, and have a fizzy drink as a treat, and you don't have to hurry up to eat… He can't wait. Fitz said he would teach him how to swim. He's not too sure about that. What if there's a huge wave? Like those you see with those people who ride on them. Surfers, he thinks they're called. Anyway, it doesn't matter whether he goes into the sea or not. What matters is that it's a whole day with Olivia and Fitz, just taking it easy. He loves that phrase.

They get out of the car, at last. Zach has never seen anything like the sea. It's blue. Well, of course, he knows the sea is blue. But not that kind of blue. So shiny, and deep. With lots of white stuff on the waves. And it moves all the time, but it's not scary. It's like it wants to play with you. He doesn't know how to say it, it's like, the words are there but they can't get out of his chest. He turns to Fitz first, then to Olivia. Why are they looking at me like this, he wonders, like I've done something amazing? But then he stops wondering, and turns back to the sea, irresistibly drawn to it.

For a moment, gazing at Zach's face, alive with joy and wonder, free of anxiety and worry, and somehow at peace for the first time since she's known him, she thinks she will really lose it. She instinctively looks at Fitz. And as their eyes meet, they know, without having to say it, that they are both thinking about their son, who will never experience this, and that at the same time they are deeply grateful for the opportunity to give this gift to another little boy.

They settle on the sand, Zach giggling because it's so hot under his feet, sorting out towels… and within 15 minutes, Fitz realises that although this day out is a wonderful idea for Zach, it's a pretty bad one for his equilibrium. That moment of silent and pure communication between them earlier, the first sign of mutual understanding since… well... And now, Olivia in her bikini, right next to him. He can't help noticing how much weight she's lost since he last saw her that way, but how curvy she still is. How beautiful her skin is, how smooth it looks. He'd made a point of not remembering, all those months, but now… He wishes Zach were willing to go into the sea, that would give him a reason to get up and go with him, away from her. But all Zach wants to do, right now, is sit down and look at the sea.

"Zach?" she calls out to him. He turns to her, reluctantly. "Zach, let's go and get some pizza. You must be hungry. We all are. You can still look at the sea while we walk to the stand", she adds laughingly. She is so physically aware of Fitz that she needs to be away from him for a few minutes. Before they set off, she asks "Fitz, the usual for you? Lots of anchovies?"

Her question reminds him of those long evenings they would spend, curled up on the sofa, having ordered in some pizza, chatting about stuff, watching movies with a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of red… But then he hears himself say, more abruptly than he intended: "No thanks. I'll be fine for now."

Although she walks off quickly, he can see the shadow on her face. Why did you have to do that, you idiot, he berates himself, it was a perfectly innocent question, so why spoil the moment... He gets up and catches up with them. "Livvie".

She looks at him very guardedly at first, although she can't quite ignore the skipped beat of her heart upon hearing him call her Livvie again; it been so long since he's been relaxed enough around her to revert to his preferred, and far more endearing name for her... "Livvie. The usual will be fine."

And there it is again. For the first time today, she smiles at him. "Good."

They're standing there, staring at each other, both aware that they've turned some sort of corner, but equally unaware of Zach's eyes taking it all in.

Zach is smiling too.


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

Whenever he feels bad about things, Zach thinks about the sea. They went back to the beach two or three times, the three of them, and each time it got more and more fun. He could look at the sea all day long. It's like, it moves all the time, and when you're in it, it feels like it's rocking you. And the colour changes all the time. Sometimes it's blue, sometimes it's silver, sometimes green… and the waves… he was scared of the waves at first, but Fitz is teaching him how to swim, so he isn't so scared now. Fitz said that next time he could go in without the armbands. Like a grown up. He'll be a bit scared at the beginning, but Fitz promised he would stand right next to him and get hold of him if a wave gets him. And Olivia said she would be there too. So it will be OK.

And the other good thing is that Olivia and Fitz seem to be friends now. Sort of. It's kind of strange sometimes. They joke and laugh, and then go all silent and look at each other all funny. And then they look away and get busy with him. And also, they hold his hand, and hug him, and fool around with him, but not with each other. And, OK, Fitz doesn't fool around with the other nurses either but they are not his friends, whereas Olivia is. She must be, otherwise they wouldn't have made a baby together. His mum and dad made babies together – well, obviously – and they were friends before getting married, so… And, OK, for a while Fitz and Olivia were angry, Fitz explained it when he told him about the baby dying, but now they're not angry… So it's just weird. Yesterday, at the beach, she splashed Fitz with water, he started running after her, they both fell on the sand, and Fitz was on top of Olivia, it was so funny, but suddenly they were not laughing, and Fitz jumped on his feet, very quickly, looking odd. Olivia was looking odd too, and they didn't say much for the rest of the day. He didn't mind because he loves being with them anyway, but it felt sort of strange.

Today is one of those days when he is feeling bad. This morning, he was looking at his calendar and he realised Olivia would leave in 42 days. At first he was happy, because 42 is a big number. But then, he counted backwards, and saw that she had been here for 48 days. 48 days is more than 42 days, and they've gone so quickly that he's really scared that 42 days will go even faster. And then Olivia will be gone, and… but he can't think about that now. It's just too awful.

The other thing is, today there is this new doctor coming in. Just to take a look around, Fitz said, and then decide whether he likes it here enough to come and work. But Zach doesn't like doctors. OK, he likes David, but David is friends with Olivia and Fitz, so that's fine. And Fitz… well, Fitz is… just Fitz, so it doesn't matter that he's a doctor. But other doctors… he really, really doesn't like them. Too much bad stuff has happened to him with doctors… but he doesn't want to think about that again. So instead he thinks about the sea. Olivia said it would be good to go back to the beach on Saturday – that's in two days, he's counted them on the calendar. He hopes they'll go fast. But not too fast because then it will only be 40 days before Olivia leaves…

He's been drawing stuff in the dormitory for a while, when suddenly he can hear voices outside. Olivia. Fitz. David. He's about to come down to say hello, when he hears another voice. A voice he hoped he would never hear again. A voice which terrifies him. He's so scared he loses control of his bladder. And in his shame and humiliation, the memories flood back in a rush, those awful, awful memories of the camp which haunt his sleep almost every night and which until now, he had managed to keep under control when awake through his drawings. If they come in here, he tells himself, I'll jump through the window. Even if it means I'll get very, very hurt. Even if I die. But the voices are moving away, and he starts breathing again.

But as soon as he realizes that the coast is clear, he bolts through the door, and runs, and runs, and runs, as fast as he can, past the startled volunteer from the village, as if his life depends on it.

Which it does.

-X-

They've been showing Tom Larsen, the Australian pediatrician, around for a couple of hours. More like a meet and greet thing: he'll have to decide whether he wants to work here, they'll have to decide whether they want him too.

Olivia asked to be present: if David hires this guy, he will work closely with the orphanage and as the nurse in charge there she wants to suss him out. So far she's not impressed. There's something about him which makes her uneasy. She can't put her finger on it. At first, she tells herself that she is in a bad mood anyway: she was up most of the night wondering where on earth her relationship with Fitz, or non-relationship with him, was going. She wants him, she knows he wants her, and yet nothing seems to be happening, and she's utterly sick of it. The way she sees it, she either has to get him out of her system completely by not seeing or talking to him for a long time –months, years even- or, they try again together, for good this time, which she thinks he won't want.

But although she is feeling cranky and depressed, she still can't shake off that feeling that there's something off about this guy. It can't be because he is so relentlessly flirtatious: God knows she's had her fair share of dealing with guys who will flirt with anyone who's wearing a skirt. It annoys her, but it does not give her this prickling sensation. It's something else. Maybe it's because here's something forced and un-natural about his behavior. Or maybe it's the fact that he waxes sentimental about African children. Yes, they've suffered a lot and yes, they are resilient, she thinks, but they're not a species, you prat, they're individuals, with their own specific problems, qualities and faults. And it bugs her, because she doesn't think she can work with him, day in day out, if she feels this uncomfortable with him.

She can tell that David has some reservations too: his face, normally so open and friendly, is rather cool and reserved. It reminds her of her Dad's face when he is trying to control his dislike of a particular patient. Abby hasn't said much so far. As to Fitz, she can't tell what he thinks: he seems quite distracted, not quite there. And he can't quite meet her eyes. Fair enough, given that moment they had on the beach yesterday…

Fitz is finding it hard to concentrate. He woke up in the middle of the night dreaming he was making love to Olivia and had no choice but to admit to himself that he still wants her desperately. He knows that she wants him too: he saw it yesterday when he suddenly found himself lying on top of her on the beach. And she must have sensed his desire too. If Zach hadn't been there… He's furious with himself. When he left Washington for Ghana, he was absolutely convinced that it was all over. When she arrived here, for a while he managed to remain aloof from her, but then she got under his skin again: her gentleness with Zach, her cheerfulness with the other kids, her ability to make him laugh and relax, her fighting spirit… all those little things that made him fall for her all those months ago… But he doesn't want to give in to it this time. Too much pain, too many difficulties, too many bad memories… no way. But she has six weeks to go here, and he himself doesn't really want to leave, not yet. What on earth is he going to do… And now he has to get a grip and focus on this guy, whom he might end up working with. Good credentials, lots of experience with children obviously, doesn't seem to mind the long hours, the night shifts he would have to do… so why not?

Shortly after Larsen leaves, on the basis of a mutual agreement to be in touch soon, they gather in David's office to discuss it. But as they are about to get properly started, the orphanage volunteer bursts in. "Have you seen Zach?", she asks, breathlessly, looking very worried.

Fitz tenses: "No. Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I saw him run out of the orphanage half an hour ago, he looked very scared. I saw him go into the garden shed… I thought he needed some peace, he often goes there when he needs to be alone. But when I went in to check, five minutes ago, he'd gone. And I can't find him." She is really tearful now. She's looked everywhere, and there's no sign of Zach.

She's barely finished that Fitz is out of his chair. He's trying not to panic, but as he and the others go through every single room at the clinic, at the orphanage, at Fitz's flat, at David's house, and are unable to find him, he can no longer control the tremor in his hands, the terror in his chest. Where are you, Zach, what happened… please, please, please come back…

They're extending the search to the surrounding areas. It's a couple of hours since Zach has gone, and they have no lead. Nothing. They've notified the police, who are on their way. They've decided that Olivia will stay at David's house to coordinate the search, field phone calls, etc… So, she is pacing up and down the living room, going crazy with fear and worry. We don't know what happened, she tells herself. But if he saw or heard something which scared him, where would he go, where would he feel safe and secure… Suddenly, she knows. She tries David, Fitz, Abby on their mobiles, no luck, they must be out of range… she jumps to her feet, grabs David's car keys, and hastily scribbles on a sheet of paper.

When Fitz comes back an hour later, to check in with Olivia before going on the search again, exhausted, overcome by panic and fear, he finds her note:

_Guys, I tried to ring you, no luck, I'm off to look for him at the beach. We didn't think to look there but I have feeling that's where he is. Ring me when you see this. Olivia. PS: am taking the car._

He runs to the door, determined to get to the beach as soon as possible, on foot if necessary if he can't find a car or a bike.

But then his phone starts ringing.


	8. Chapter 8

*Dear readers- if you have not already worked out what has happened to young Zach, then please note that this chapter will come with a trigger warning- although, please rest assure that it will not be explored in technicolour detail, only implied by Zach's account*

Part 8

He's sitting on the sand, very close to the sea. He looks so small, so fragile, that she fights back the temptation to run and grab him in her arms. Instead, she walks towards him very slowly.

"Zach", she calls out quietly.

He jumps on his feet, and stares at her. His eyes are wild, his face almost contorted with fear. She takes in his appearance, the stained trousers, the dirty shoes, the desperate look…

"You can't make me go back!" He shouts, "I won't go back, I'd rather go into the sea and swim and swim and swim until…" At that he starts walking backwards, towards the sea.

"Zach!" She's trying not to panic. "Zach, you don't have to go back. I promise you. Zach, I _promise_ you!"

He's right on the edge of the sea, but he stops. "_I promise you, Zach_", she repeats softly.

After a pause, she says: "Look, your feet are getting wet. Why don't you come and sit with me on the sand. We can stay there for a while and look at the sea together."

Wordlessly, he walks towards her, never taking his eyes off her, and she knows that if she makes one false move, he will run again towards the sea, and that if she does not get to him on time, she's not sure she's good enough of a swimmer to take him back to the safety of the shore. So, for a while she doesn't say anything and simply listens to his breathing. When it gets calmer, she says to him, very gently: "You don't have to go back. Not if you don't want to. _But_… can you tell me why you ran away?"

He shakes his head violently.

"Zach… we were so worried about you…David, Abby, Fitz, everyone is looking for you. Can I phone…"

He jumps on his feet, stricken with fear. "Even the other doctor? Tom? Is he looking for me too?!"

She's stunned. That was the last thing she expected. "No, Zach. He left ages ago. _Why_? Do you know him?"

He nods, breathing too fast again. Careful, she tells herself, be very careful, there's something going on there and it's probably very, very bad. "Zach. Is that why you ran? Because he was there, at the clinic?"

He nods again.

"Can you tell me why?"

"No! I can't. I can't tell anyone. _It's a secret_."

And in that instant, it's all beginning to make sense to her. She remembers the course she took ages ago on child protection. The children will have been told it's a secret, that they can't tell anyone, they were told by the instructor, these are the words you have to look out for, when you suspect abuse. She's struggling to overcome her disgust and rage, for this is not about her, it's about Zach. "Zach. _Oh Zach_… did Tom tell you that you couldn't tell anyone?"

He nods, confirming her worst fears. Think, Olivia, think, she tells herself, find a way of getting it from him. "But, Zach, he didn't say that no one could _guess_, right?"

Zach looks at her, startled. "_No_", he whispers.

"OK. So, will you let me try and guess? If I get it right, you don't have to say anything. That way, it's not like you're telling me, right?" Come on, Zach, she begs him silently. I'm being precise here and you love, _no_, you need precision, which makes sense now, and you're very bright, so go for it, _please_…

He comes back to sit next to her, wordlessly and she takes it as a yes. She remembers what the instructor also said: don't get emotional, be gentle and careful, but very matter of fact too, you're not a therapist or child psychologist, your role is to get the child to tell you what happened, it's not to counsel them. And so slowly, carefully, she tells him what she's guessed. She pauses a lot, to get him a chance to speak. But he can't even look at her. He's huddled on the sand, arms around his knees, shaking, listening to her recounting his ordeal. At first he remains utterly silent. After a while, as she gets a few details wrong, his need for precision takes over, and he begins to talk. And once he starts talking, it's as if nothing and no one will be able to stop him. By the time he's done, she knows why he dislikes being touched by adults, why he spends so much time washing himself, why he dislikes doctors, why needles terrify him. It doesn't occur to her to doubt him. There's no mistaking the fear in his voice and the panic in his eyes. Besides, he couldn't possibly have made up some of the things which Larsen did. And he couldn't possibly have known so many intimate things about him otherwise.

When he finally stops, utterly spent, beyond crying, he turns to her, and asks: _"Will you hate me now?"_

So that's what it feels like, she thinks, when your heart breaks in a million tiny pieces… Her throat is so painfully tight that she fears she won't be able to get the words out. "Is that what he said, Zach, that people would hate you if they found out? That they'd think you're disgusting?"

He nods.

"Zach. Listen to me. You're not disgusting or filthy or anything horrible like that. You are kind and sweet and good, you did nothing to deserve this... I love you. Do you hear me Zach, I _love_ _you_. And nothing could make me stop loving you. _Nothing_", she adds fiercely, "OK?"

He gazes at the sea. His chin is trembling. "Will… will Fitz hate me, if he finds out?", he asks, unable to look at her.

"Oh Zach… he won't. I promise you he won't. He loves you too… he loves you so much, Zach. When you tell him…"

"_I can't!_" He cuts her off, distressed. "I can't tell him."

"OK. You don't have to. Do you want me to tell him? Before you see him again?"

He nods a few times. His eyes are glistening with tears. Very carefully, giving him a chance to back away from her, she rests her hand on his. "Shall we go back? You're completely safe there, with all of us."

In the car, she dials Fitz's number. She doesn't let him say anything: she knows he'll start asking questions, but Zach is shivering with cold, hunger and exhaustion, and she needs to get him back as soon as possible. "Hi, it's me. Zach is with me. He's… well, physically OK, but can you please ask Abby to wait for us at the orphanage's infirmary? That's where he wants to sleep tonight. I'll see you at David's. And, please, don't come to meet us. Trust me on this. I'll explain. Bye."

When they get to the orphanage, Abby is waiting for them. Between them they manage to get some food into Zach, and to bundle him into warm clothes and into bed. He hasn't said a word since they've left the beach. She stays with him until he falls asleep. "Olivia", Abby whispers, "I'll stay here tonight in case he wakes up. You go and talk to the guys. I'll get it all from David tomorrow, OK?"

As she gets near David's house, Fitz opens the door and runs towards her. It occurs to her fleetingly that he's aged in the last few hours. She doesn't realise that her face looks ten years older than it did this morning, which is why he panics. He gets hold of her shoulders, painfully and shouts at her. "What's happened to him, for God's sake, tell me!"

She stiffens under his touch. "I will. In a moment. And to David too. Let's go inside."

"Is it very bad?" he whispers.

All she can do is nod.

At first, she doesn't think that she can, for the second time tonight, go through the story of what Zach suffered at the hands of Larsen. But she knows she owes it to him to tell David, but mostly Fitz, what he endured, and why he ran away. She can do it only by telling them the facts, in as level, as neutral a way as possible. Throughout, she often looks at David: his compassion, and his calm, are her anchor. But she cannot bear to look at Fitz.

And what she doesn't realise is that her matter-of-fact tone of voice makes the tale she is recounting more chilling than an emotional display would have done, and that her inability to look at Fitz, to connect with him in that moment, makes it all the worse for him.

He is listening to her and realises that he is, after all, probably capable of violence towards another person. However angry he was at the drunk driver who'd killed his wife, he never thought he would be able to beat him up, let alone kill him if faced with him. But this time, it's different. He knows that if Larsen were in the room, he would go for him, deaf to any entreaties or pleas. He can barely bear to think about Zach's ordeal, and yet he knows that he will have to think about it and quite a lot at that, if he is to help him. And at the same time as he is dealing with his rage towards Larsen and his pain for Zach, he's fighting renewed bitterness at Olivia' behaviour. He knows he's being unfair, that tonight has been a terrible ordeal for her. But why is she shutting him out again, why is she not looking at him, why is she behaving as if he were not in the room? It's like with Josh, he thinks, however awful things are for her, she can't trust me with her feelings…

And then, he gets a grip on himself. Come on, he thinks, your priority is Zach, not your messy relationship with Olivia. Focus on Zach… As in a dream, he hears Olivia tell him: "So you see, Fitz, that's why I asked you not to meet us when we got here. It's just… Zach couldn't bear to face you and… he asked me to tell you, because he couldn't do it himself."

All he can do is nod. And leave the room, without a word.

Zach is awake. He had a nightmare, and he remembers it all. It was so scary, there was this black shape running after him, and all he could do was go into the sea, and he had left his armbands at the orphanage, and Fitz wasn't there, so he had to swim all by himself to escape, but the waves kept coming at him, and rolling him every way, and then there was this enormous wave coming… and that's when he woke up. Abby is there, sitting on his bed, comforting him, but he can't stop shaking, and he doesn't really listen to what she is saying. He is scared he'll pee in his pants again, it'd be a mess, she'd have to change the sheets, and OK, she wouldn't be cross with him but still…

When Olivia got to the beach, he really thought she would force him to go back. And then… then she started talking about Tom the doctor, and what had happened to him… he can't believe that she could guess. She must be so clever. He thinks that's the right word, he's not sure. And when she said she loves him, it made him feel better, but he isn't sure he can really believe her. And, OK, he isn't sure whether he loves her but that's because she is leaving in 42 days - well maybe 41 now because maybe it's past midnight and a different day now - and he's worried about that, but it's a different kind of unsure. Thing is, why would she love him? He's just a little kid, just a nobody, and he had to do all those terrible things to the doctor, and he let him do those things to him, and OK, the doctor was using needles to make him kind of sleepy, so he couldn't really fight, but still… he should have fought, but he didn't and that was really bad… so why should Olivia love him? And why is Abby talking all hush hush now? It's weird and it's starting to make him feel extra shaky inside.

But then he looks up, and he realises that Fitz is standing there and looking all funny. It's like… like when someone hurt their ankle playing football or something, they get this twisted expression on their face. Well that's what Fitz's face looks like. And it's very scary. He doesn't want to cry, he really doesn't, he wants to be brave, and not to be a bother to anyone. But he can't help it, it's like the tears are coming out all by themselves, and he can't put them back into his eyes. It's gets all very blurry, but he can sort of see that Abby is leaving the room.

And now it's just him and Fitz.


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

He knows that there is nothing he can say, right now, which could make Zach feels better. He's not sure what he can do either. He's seldom felt as out of his depth as he is feeling now. He would love nothing more than to take Zach is in arms and shield him from all his memories and nightmares, but he isn't sure that Zach would welcome physical closeness now. He would love nothing more than to tell Zach that he loves him no matter what, but he isn't sure that Zach will believe him.

And yet he needs to act, and fast, because Zach is looking at him crying silently, softly, with such despair and fear as he's never seen in anyone's eyes except in his daughter's when he told her she had lost her mother, and in Olivia's when their son died.

He spots Zach's crayons and drawing paper by the bed: Abby must have left them there for him in case he needed to draw in the middle of the night, he thinks… and suddenly he knows. He picks up a crayon, and a sheet of paper, and sits on the bed, not too close, but not too far either. He's terrible at drawing, but he's doing is best. He draws the shape of a man, and the shape of a boy, and manages to make it look as if they are holding hands. When he's done, he hands it over to Zach. "You see, Zach", he says very softly, "this is you. And this is me."

Zach looks at the drawing as if he's never seen a drawing in his life – and his cries turn into sobs. He's sitting there on the bed, pitiful really in his huge pajamas, head bowed, his entire body shaking, his tears dropping on the drawing, and he feels as if he is falling down, down, down, in a deep, deep pit, until he can feel that Fitz is pulling him back, and holding him, and telling him again and again and again, that it'll be OK.

She's standing at the door of the infirmary. They haven't heard her. Zach is sobbing too much to hear anything, and Fitz is too focused on him to pay attention to his surroundings.

When he left David's house so abruptly, she barely managed to hold it together. But she didn't want David to see how hurt she was by Fitz's behaviour, mostly by his refusal to acknowledge what she had been through, by his inability to say simply "thank you". So, she kept her self-control, and helped him with the many phone calls he had to make: the police, to notify them that Larsen had been accused of abuse, and to the Red Cross to let them know that one of their doctors was a suspect in a serious case, and so on. When they were done David tried to talk to her about what had happened, but she couldn't: too tired, too worn out.

Still, instead of going to bed, she went to the orphanage. She told herself that she needed to check on Zach; deep down, though, she knew that Fitz was there. She isn't sure what she was hoping for, a sign maybe that his earlier behaviour was due to anger at Larsen and pain for Zach, that things could improve between them… she didn't know, all she knew is that she needed to be there. But now that she is looking at them both, she realises that her place isn't there, that for now, they need to be alone, together. She finds refuge in the tiny office, unable to drag herself away from the orphanage and to face David and Abby.

Finally, Zach fell asleep again. Fitz promised him he would see him again in the morning, and that Abby would stay throughout the night. He's seldom felt so tired in his life. There's light in the office. He is about to switch it off, absentmindedly, when he realises that Olivia is there. She's sitting in the chair, eyes closed, head thrown backwards. His throat tightens. The cold, harsh, unforgiving light of the office emphasises the dark circles under her eyes, and the lines of stress and fatigue around her mouth, but to him, she's never looked more beautiful. It'd all be so much easier if he didn't desire her so much…

"Olivia", he calls out to her.

She starts: she wasn't asleep, just resting, and hadn't heard him come in.

"Olivia, what are you doing here?"

She looks away. "Nothing… it's just… I was hoping to get hold of you… how is he?"

"Very distressed." He clears his throat. "Olivia… I… I wanted to thank you for finding him, for bringing him back to me. And also for getting him to talk about… you know."

"_For bringing him back to me?_" Is what you just said? She thinks… My God, Fitz, you're in so deep here, and you don't even seem to realise it…

She sighs deeply. "I… I just had a hunch. And I didn't like that Larsen guy from the start so… it all began to make sense somehow."

Very tentatively, hesitantly, he tries to reach out to her. "Olivia… it must have been so hard for you, on that beach… I can't even imagine what…"

"Don't worry", she cuts him off, "it was hard, but I'll get over it. Compared to what Zach went through it wasn't…"

"Why do you always do this?!" He blurts out, "always keeping it all to yourself! I mean, what do you think, that I won't understand, that I can't possibly help?!"

She's shocked at his outburst and too tired to understand what's going on here. "Fitz, what are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, Olivia." He knows it's not the right time, but he can't help himself. "I'm asking you to tell me what it was like, because you look drained, and it's obvious how hard you found it and I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you would let me in… but oh no!" He's getting increasingly frustrated. "It's like, when you told us what happened to him, back at David's house, I mean… you made me feel as if I wasn't even in the room! Oh forget it, just forget it!"

He walks off, not looking at her.

"Is that what you thought?", she asks, and she sounds so despairing that he turns around to face her and realises that her eyes have filled with tears. "Is that really what you thought, Fitz?"

To her, this is the last straw. After the evening she's had, that he should fail so completely to understand her… "The reason I wouldn't look at you Fitz, was because I couldn't bear to see the pain on your face!" She's breathing unsteadily, looking straight at him. "I'd had too much pain to deal with for one night…" she adds, very softly, chokingly.

He looks stunned. But as she is walking off, he grabs her shoulders: "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", he whispers.

At that she crumbles against him, and at long last lets it all out. Sitting on the sand next to Zach knowing that she couldn't afford to get it wrong, scared that she was totally unequipped to deal with something so awful, so terrible. And her rage at Larsen, her sadness for Zach, her concern for his ability to deal with all this long term… she tells him all this, in bits and pieces, crying, clinging to him, all the time aware that he is still holding her as if he will never let her go.

At long last she calms down. He cups her cheek in his hand, humbled by her sensitivity with Zach and her strength throughout this ordeal. Before he can say anything, she raises her face to him. "Fitz, will you sleep with me tonight?"

He can't believe she's just asked that. For a second, he's tempted to say yes. But common sense takes over. "Olivia… look, I want you. And I think you know it. But… I don't think it's a good idea for us to…"

She steps away from him, eyes wide: "Fitz! I didn't mean it that way… I just meant sleep as in… _sleep_… it's just that…oh forget it, it doesn't matter. It was a bad idea."

Before he knows it, she's gone. He catches up with her outside, in front of David' house. "_Olivia, wait!_" He turns her round so that she faces him: she looks so tired and so vulnerable that something in him gives in. "Olivia… listen…" He doesn't know how to put it. "I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow morning either", he finally whispers.

She gets a few things for the night from David's, and he takes her back to his flat. While he's rustling up a quick dinner, she takes a look around. She's never been there before, and it strikes her that it's a very sad flat, the flat of a very lonely person who hasn't really made a home here, who doesn't seem to have a life outside work, who doesn't really know where he belongs.

Over dinner, they don't say very much. Afterwards, they take a quick shower in turn and go to bed. It feels surprisingly natural to them, and familiar. Soon they find their old, usual position, spoon-like, and drift off to sleep.

It's fine, he tells himself, nothing else has to happen, this is just nice, and warm and just… fine.

When she wakes up, she realises that they're still joined together. And he, so attuned to her presence wakes up too, responsive to her gentle stirring. And now he's looking at her, with an odd expression on his face, but as she is pulling away from him, he draws her back to him. "_Don't go_", he whispers, "_please Livvie_." His warm baritone, serves to halt her in her retreat and instead she finds herself relaxing against him and relives it all… before she knows it, in the comfort of his embrace she finds herself dozing off again. But not for long, because a few hours later, in the middle of the night, in humid, searing heat, she awakens once more and for a brief second she doesn't know where she is. But then she remembers. And she turns to him, and realises he's awake too, and watching her. In that instant she knows he wants her, and she reaches out to him and strokes his cheek. And as he isn't stopping her, she starts exploring his face, his neck, his chest, and that's when he goes for her.

But now, it's the morning, and no matter how wonderful their lovemaking was, she can't help worrying about what the future holds for them. He senses her tension. "Olivia? What's wrong?"

She looks at him. "Fitz… do you have regrets about last night? Because if you do, that's fine, I'll understand, but you have to tell me now."

He swallows. How could I ever think I didn't want this again, her, us, together like this? He asks himself… how could I ever think that? "Olivia, I… I don't have any regrets… and… I don't want this to be a one-night stand._ I mean…_ things have been pretty bad between us, but can we try and enjoy what we have together now?"

She looks at him for a long time. So this is how it's going to be, she thinks, having sex, hanging out together, with no plan, no idea of where we're going, no mention of love, no talk about Josh– God forbid… Can you do it? She asks herself, can you really do this?

With a sigh, she buries her head against his chest.

And nods.

It's two weeks since the day Zach ran away, since the night they got back together. And those two weeks have been exhausting: during the day, they are snowed under with work. Early morning and late afternoon they spend time with Zach, either together or separately. Zach is still having nightmares and needs almost constant reassurance from them, that they love him and that they won't give up on him. Besides, the fallout from Larsen's arrest has been pretty awful: turns out he was an active member of a far-reaching paedophile network. Fortunately, Zach won't have to testify in court against him: instead the prosecution will use his video testimony – through which both Olivia and Fitz sat.

They know of course that he needs a kind of help which he can't get here. But as he is stuck in Ghana, they're doing their best by him: it's not enough, but it's something. Still, it's taking its toll on them both. So when Olivia suggested that as they both had the day off, and as the kids were on an excursion into town, they spend the day together and go to this lovely, peaceful beach she had found, just the two of them, without Zach this time – he jumped at the chance of some time alone with her, away from everything and everyone else. He can't get enough of her. They've spent almost every night together those last two weeks, and he feels like a man who didn't know how thirsty he was until he started drinking. He doesn't dwell on the fact that Olivia is supposed to leave in about a month, or on his own prospects in Ghana. He doesn't even dwell much on how he really feels about her. For once in his life, he lives solely in the present, for the present, and if he sometimes notices shadows in her eyes, he tells himself that it simply mirrors the shadows in his own when he thinks of Josh.

At that time of the day, early evening, the light is beginning to fade, and the sea is quiet as oil. The beach is very secluded. They are completely alone, stretching on the sand, not saying much, having had a couple of swims already, happy to just be there, together and relax. Soon he wants her again, but as he begins to kiss and stroke her, she chuckles.

"What's so funny?", he asks, smilingly, bent over her.

"Well… I was just thinking that if this was a TV show back home, before the 9pm watershed, well the camera would move away from us and focus on the sea, and it would be left to the audience to imagine it all…"

"Olivia! I'm making love to you and you're thinking about television!?" He protests, in mock indignation… "Is that the effect I have on you?"

She arches against him provocatively. "You know very well the effect you have on me", she retorts, relishing the darkening of his eyes and the growing tension on his face.

"It's true, though", she carries on, laughing. "I mean, if it was a pre 9pm show, it would be so boring…."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we wouldn't have been able to go skinny-dipping and…" she moves her hand- "and I couldn't do this to you…or…this…"

"_Livvie_…" – he's barely audible.

"Or this", she says, whispering, not laughing this time.

He moves so quickly that she can barely react. "And I couldn't do this…", he states, enjoying the sound of her shallow breathing.

"Fitz", she asks, in a very low, very shaky voice, "_Fitz_, now. _Please_."

On the way back to their various duties and commitments and to Zach, they're silent. Something happened on that beach, to do with the intensity of their lovemaking, but mostly with the fact that for the first time since their son died they've managed to spend several hours together talking, walking, relaxing, without hurting each other.

We've got a long way to go, she tells herself, we still can't talk about the real difficult things, at least he can't, but at least, we can be together. Surely it can only get better now…

Not necessarily.


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

24 days until she goes. He's counted them this morning. He tries not to think too much about that, but it's hard, because he has to count days; and therefore, every morning he has to think about Olivia leaving. He's worried, because he cares about her; he knows it's more than liking her, but not as much as loving her. It'd be easier if he could have stopped at liking her, because then he wouldn't be so sad. So, he's trying to stop at caring. But it's hard, especially since the day he ran away and she found him. They haven't talked about Tom since that day, but he feels warm and safe around her. Like around Fitz.

But he can't talk to them about the horrible stuff. It's just too scary. Sometimes, he really wants to, and the words are there, but they won't come out, it's like they are stuck somewhere in his throat, and it feels so tight that it hurts. When that happens, he starts drawing, or if Olivia or Fitz are there he snuggles up against them. They give him lots of hugs, and that's nice, because he knows that he can walk away if he wants to, he doesn't have to stay in the hug. When it gets really, really bad, he looks at the drawing Fitz gave him, of the two of them. It's in the table by his bed, so he can take a look at it whenever he wants, well, when he's not in the classroom.

It's so nice now. He can tell they're really good friends. The other day they were kissing, they hadn't realised he was there, and then they did and she went all funny and weird, but Fitz just smiled at him. They've been to the beach again, all three of them. He's getting better at swimming, he can go in without the armbands now. But what he really loves is looking at the sea. When he looks at the sea, every bad thing just goes away.

The other day, he was a bit upset because all the kids had to go into town, and that meant he wasn't going to spend the day with Olivia and Fitz. But then he saw all the shops, and the market, and the people, and before he knew it he was back at the orphanage with everybody else, and Olivia and Fitz came back from the beach – another beach, not his beach. And they looked all… it's hard to describe, it was as if they had lamps inside them and the lamps were switched on.

Sometimes, though, they look sad. Especially Olivia. Maybe she's thinking about her baby who died. He's never talked to her about that. Or to Fitz. But he really wanted to know what the baby was called, or how it got sick, but he couldn't ask them, he knew that. So instead he asked Abby. _Josh_. He loves that name. If he has a baby of his own, one day, he will call him Josh. He hopes they won't mind. Maybe they'll make another baby. That would be good, because that way Olivia wouldn't leave. But what he would love is all of them living together. That's what he wants. To not live at the orphanage, but to live with them. Especially Fitz. He cares about Olivia, but he loves Fitz. And that's different. He knows it won't happen though. Families live together, but he doesn't have a family anymore, so he has to live at the orphanage, but still it'd be nice if they could all live together. He thinks about it a lot, he tries to picture what it'd be like. They'd always eat together in the evenings, and he would sleep at Fitz's every night… it's be so good.

He knows what it's called. It's called a dream.

-x-

She's due to leave in a week, and she knows she has to talk to Fitz about it. Tonight. They've never mentioned it, but she can't avoid it any longer. She told David that as far as things stood ("meaning what, Olivia", he wanted to ask but didn't, "meaning given that Fitz and I have been sleeping together for over a month without sorting ourselves out?") she was leaving, but that there was a very slim chance that she might be able to say ("you mean, if I manage to get through to him?, well good luck with that, Olivia, but somehow...")

She knows David and Abby are worried about her. They've never commented on all those nights she hasn't slept at their house, or on the fact that she spends every bit of her free time with Fitz (and usually Zach as well.) But Abby once gently asked her whether she really knew what she was doing, at which point she replied that one way or the other, she didn't know, so she might as well grasp any bit of happiness and fun she could. Even she wasn't fooled by her answer. At least she knows they won't tell Eli about it – of that she is sure – so that's one thing not to worry about for when she gets home.

For she is most probably going back. Deep down, she knows that he can't give her what she needs. All she can hope for – and it's a tiny, tiny hope - is that her leaving will jolt him into realising how good things could be between them. Meanwhile, she still has to talk to him. She was really hoping that they would be able to get closer emotionally, but it hasn't happened. Once or twice, she tried to get him to talk about Josh, but he just wouldn't do it. ("There's no point, Olivia, it was horrible, the worst that could happen to anyone and it happened to us, and I can't bear to talk and relive it all.") He never once told her he loves her. Once, in the heat of their lovemaking, she did tell him she loved him. He smiled and drew her in to him but didn't respond. Yet, she knows he loves her: in fact, she has no doubt about that. But all he can say is that he needs her or wants her, and that's only when they're in bed, and she is finding it very painful.

"Hi…" He's sneaked behind her and wrapped her in his arms.

Not facing him yet, do it now, she tells herself; it's early evening, plenty of time for a long talk, neither of us is on call… She is enjoying the feel of him against her, all the more so as she knows it might be the last time they will be together like this.

Bravely, she turns to face him, ready to address the road that lies ahead. "Hi… Fitz… I… we've got to talk."

He goes very still for a few seconds. He's been dreading this moment for a while now.

"What about?" He's stalling, he knows it, she knows it.

She moves away from him. "Fitz… I'm booked on a flight home next week."

He swallows. "_And?_"

"What do you mean, 'and'?"

"Well…", he pauses, and then plunges into it. "Do you want to be on that flight?" He asks, as evenly as he can.

She walks over to the window and for a few moments looks down into the street, not really seeing anything. Then: "Give me one good reason why I should stay."

He knows what she is asking him to do. She wants him to tell her that he loves her, that he wants them to have another go, a real go, not a bubble of lovemaking. But he isn't sure he can do that, so he doesn't say anything, aware of the pain he is inflicting on her, but unwilling to lie.

His silence is tearing her apart. "Fitz… when we got together again… what did you think was going to happen? I mean… you knew I was going to leave at some point…"

He sighs. "I hadn't thought that far. I just wanted… I just wanted to enjoy it for what it was, without complications and problems."

She can't believe he's just said that. "You mean, _just_ _sex_? Is that it? Is that all it meant to you?!"

"No!". He's aghast at how badly he expressed himself, at how unfair she is though. "Liv, how could you think that of me, how could you think it was nothing more than that…"

"Well, you tell me… What was it, then?"

"I don't know", he whispers. "I… Liv, I'm sorry, I don't know."

Her chin begins to tremble, and he can't bear to see how much of an effort she is making not to cry in front of him. "Liv… please, stay… give us more time, please", he pleads.

"Until when, Fitz?! I mean, you don't even know how long you want to stay here for! You have no plan for the future, no idea of what you want to do with your life… why should I wait for someone who, who…" She is so upset she can't carry on.

"That's not fair, Olivia! I know I won't stay here forever! Look, I've been here almost six months… and… I guess in a couple of months it'll be time for me to go home." He's beginning to panic now, because he realises that she's right, that he doesn't really know what he'll do, and that he's clutching at straws to make her stay. "_Listen_", he presses her, "stay for a couple more months, you're so needed here and… stay for Zach, if not for me. _Please_."

She shakes her head. _"Ah._ Zach", she snorts. "And what will happen to him exactly when you decide to leave?"

He looks away, ashamed of himself already for what he's about to say. "With Zach, I... I haven't thought that far ahead either".

That really does it for her. "My God, Fitz, you're burying your head in the sand!" She can't hide how exasperated she is. "You know as well as I do that he needs extensive and long term therapy, with possibly art therapy as well, and that he won't get it here!"

"What am I supposed to do? You tell me! Because, I hate to remind you, Olivia, but I can't simply take him with me back home! I'm not his guardian, I have no rights over him!"

"You could always adopt him", she says, gently, not taking her eyes off him.

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Olivia! I can't adopt him! I mean… come on, I can't turn myself into a single father at my age!"

She looks at him with something close to pity. "But you already are, Fitz. Whether you want it or not, you already are."

She's hit so close to the bone that he lashes out. "How dare you go all preachy on me! He loves you as much as he loves me, so don't you dare get angry with me because I might be leaving him behind, when you yourself are going next week…"

"No, Fitz. Yes, he loves me… although he is trying to convince himself he doesn't. But you know and I know, that out of the two of us, it's you he needs most." She pauses, and then, with great difficulty, she states: "When I go, he'll be devastated. But when… _if_, you go and leave him, it will destroy him. Face it Fitz, this little boy _chose_ you, and you let him do that. You let him get more and more attached to you, and not merely for his sake, but also for yours! Because you need him as much he needs you! So you should face up to the consequences!"

They both fall silent, not knowing how to go from there. How could it go so wrong so quickly, he thinks bleakly? Yesterday, we were happy, and relaxed with each other, and today she's telling me she's leaving, just like that and… "I don't know what you want from me, Olivia."

Her eyes fill with tears. "I want… I need you to feel able to accept that Zach means as much to you as… as Josh did. And I need you to be able to tell me you love me. Because I know you do. And I think you know it too. But you can't tell me. And I need you to be honest about that too." She stops, because what she has to say now is the hardest part. "Fitz… when… when Josh died, you were everything I had ever wanted you to be. You were loving and supportive and you really reached out to me, no matter how much you were grieving… and… and I rejected you. I threw it all back into your face. And I said some horrible things to you." She's crying openly now. "I don't really have an excuse. Just that… I had never gone through such hell before and I was so scared… I was so scared that if I let you in, then what would happen if you too were to die…"

He can't stand much more of this pain. "Liv, please, don't put yourself… don't put us through this, please, it's all in the past and…"

"But it's not! Don't you see that?!" She cries, forcing the words out through her tears. "It's there, between us, all the time, and you won't talk about it, because that would force you to admit that you've never forgiven me for it, and that you can't trust me again!"

He's gone very pale. He knows she's right, and there is nothing he can say now to rescue this. "I'm sorry, Liv… I'm so sorry", he whispers.

She nods, once. "I'll stay at David's until I go home. And I'll talk to Zach."

As she leaves, she turns around to face him. "I love you, Fitz."

And closes the door behind her. Very gently.


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11

Since they broke up – _again_ – they've hardly seen each other – deliberately so. She's kept out his way as much as possible during his orphanage rounds, he's kept away from David's house. But he's not getting much sleep, going over and over their talk, or row, or fight, whatever you want to call it. So many times he's almost gone over to beg her to reconsider, to tell her that he loves her, that they could try again. But something has held him back. He misses her so much though, in every way, and he can't bear to think what things will be like when she's gone, when he can't even see her every day.

And he can't bear to think how Zach will react. In fact, from the clinic's office, he spots them on their way back from the beach, where Olivia took Zach earlier this afternoon to talk to him about the fact that she is going back to the US tomorrow. He goes outside to meet them. It's obvious they've both been crying. As Zach runs to him and throws himself in his arms, their eyes meet: she's the first to look away.

"Zach", she calls out softly, "Zach, when you wake up tomorrow, I'll be gone. But I'll be thinking of you. And you won't forget what I told you, OK?"

He shakes his head, chin trembling. She turns to Fitz: "Fitz, if I don't see you before…"

"You'll see me. I know David is driving you to the airport, but I'll… I'll see you off. I'll drop by at around 6, I know you'll be up by then. If that's OK."

As she nods and walks away, Zach is gripping Fitz's hand so tightly that it hurts, but he doesn't care. "Zach, come on little man, let's go and get some dinner. Just the two of us. And then you're sleeping at my flat tonight, OK?"

They're both very subdued that evening. But later on, he can hear Zach crying softly in his bed. So he goes to him and pulls him in his arms, saying small, inconsequential things, things which are meant to comfort and soothe. When Zach has calmed down, he asks, very gently: "Zach, can you tell me what she told you, earlier, on the beach?"

"She promised she'd write, and phone and send photos and stuff…", he gulps, "and she said she'll always love me, _always_…" After a very long pause, he says, in a very low voice, "I love her too. I tried not to 'cause she is leaving but…"

"_Oh, Zach…_" What can he say to assuage the grief of a little boy who has lost everything already? Nothing, so he simply stays there with him for a long time, holding him, waiting for him to fall asleep.

He himself doesn't get a wink, and at crack of dawn, having carried Zach off to the orphanage, he goes over to David's house. David and Abby tactfully stay in the kitchen to give them some privacy and she takes him to her bedroom.

"Don't go", he blurts out, grabbing her hands, "please don't go. Let's try again. I…"

She shakes her head and moves away from him. "_I can't_", she whispers…

"But why?! It could be so good between us… Please, Livvie."

"Fitz… tell me this. Have you forgiven me for the way I behaved after Josh died? Do you really feel you can trust me?"

He swallows and looks away. "Liv, I need more time, but can't we work on this together?"

She closes her eyes. "No. We can't. Because you see, Fitz, I know you too well. If I stay, you'll slip back into not wanting to talk about Josh and us, you'll carry on sitting back and just… drift… and I can't do this! I can't be with you, make love with you and all the time wonder whether tonight is the night when you can finally tell me you love me – because, you still haven't said it by the way… I'd always be second-guessing you, and myself: am I being too forward, too affectionate, is he as committed as I am… is he finally trusting me… I just can't do this!" She adds, more quietly, eyes glistening with tears: "It would destroy me. And that's why I have to go…"

There's something so final in her words, in her voice, that he knows he's lost. "Can I at least phone you, from time to time, to see how you are?"

"Please, no…", she whispers, shakily. "I won't be able to move on if you do. Don't get in touch unless… unless you're sure, deep down, that you can give me your love, your trust, and your forgiveness. Now if you don't mind, David is waiting for me…"

She knows she's as good as dismissing him, but she can't take much more of this: even as he leaves the room, looking distraught, she has to exercise enormous self-control not to run after him and take him back. Even as she is waiting for her flight to be called, a couple of hours later, after David wrapped her into a bearhug and said goodbye, she keeps telling herself that she mustn't get up and go back to the clinic, and that she must hold on to her resolve and go home.

And sadly, as it stands home is pretty much anywhere where Fitz is not.

-x-

He counted the days again this morning: 57 since she's left. Or maybe 55. He's finding hard to count so he has to try again and again. He's so tired. He keeps waking up at night with these horrible dreams, and it's hard to go back to sleep, but he doesn't want to go and talk to the nurse at the orphanage, or to Fitz when he stays over at his flat. Because Fitz is so tired too. There're big, dark circles under his eyes, and he can tell that he isn't eating much: he used to finish off his pizza, always, but he doesn't now.

It's so sad now that Olivia has gone. Even looking at the sea isn't as good. And OK, Olivia rings and talks to him on the phone (it was really odd at first because he'd never talked on the phone before and talking to someone without seeing them, it's not the same), and she's sent pictures of America, and the place where she lives, it's called Washington, but it's not the same.

He'd love to talk about Olivia to Fitz. He's so scared he'll forget what she sounds like when she laughs, or what she looks like when she smiles. But Fitz never says her name. _Never_. So he doesn't say her name around Fitz either. It's like… it's as if whenever someone says Olivia's name, one of the nurses, or David, Fitz sorts of hides behind a wall. His eyes go all funny, like they're not seeing things, like there's no light in them.

And the thing is, he's got this funny feeling in his stomach that there's something really bad going on, something the grown ups don't want him and the other kids to know about. It's because a few times David and Abby were talking, and then they stopped as soon as they saw he was there. And Fitz looks very worried all the time. He knows because he looks at Fitz a lot. He really, really, really loves Fitz. And he knows Fitz loves him, 'cause when he hugs him, he hugs him really, really tight. But he knows that something is going on, and he hates that feeling of not knowing what exactly. Because he _needs_ to know exactly.

And now, Fitz often goes off to the big city, for a day or two, and he doesn't know why. And, OK, grown-ups don't have to tell kids every little thing they do, but every time Fitz comes back from the big city, he looks even more worried.

He hopes Fitz won't have to go too. Before he wasn't even thinking about Fitz leaving. But the other day he heard David say to him "look you can always go back to the US and deal with it from there." He thinks those were the exact words, and Fitz didn't say anything, and that really, really scared him. The thought that Fitz was maybe thinking of leaving.

So, if he is extra good all the time and does his homework, and does everything he's asked to do, if he's a good boy, as the nurses say, then maybe Fitz will love him even more and won't leave. But it's so hard to be very, very, very good all the time.

It's all so hard.


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

Finally, finally, it's worked. Two months of trips to the capital city, of fighting with various officials, of bribing whomever was willing to be bribed, of organising everything… and now, he's made all the phone calls that needed making, written all the letters that needed to be written, got the answers he wanted, and now, it's done. There's one last thing he has to do, and he's never felt so nervous in his life. Not even when he got married, all those years ago. Not even in Vermont, when he suddenly found himself alone with Olivia in his cabin… _after_… he doesn't want to go there now, he can't go there now. What matters is what he has to do tonight.

He goes and picks Zach up from the orphanage, and at the sight of his worried expression, his heart melts. Zach looks even more anxious than before these days, and it's obvious he misses Olivia dreadfully, but he never talks about her. He reads her letters and talks to her on the phone, but he never talks about her, so he himself doesn't mention her name, no matter how much he wants to. She always contrives to phone at the orphanage at times when he isn't doing his rounds. So, he's tried to slow his rounds down, he's lingered a bit - a lot - hoping that the phone would ring when he was there. But it didn't. Zach has never shown him her letters, or the photos she's sent. He would so much love to see them, just to feel that there still is some connection, even just a one-sided connection. But he doesn't want to make things harder for Zach than they are, so he doesn't ask. If Zach wants to keep his relationship with Olivia separate, he'll just have to accept it, however hard it is.

But tonight, that's not even the most important thing. After dinner, he settles Zach on the sofa. He doesn't know where to start. Well, start from the beginning, he tells himself, it's simple this way, less abrupt.

"Zach", he says hesitantly, "Zach, there's something I need to tell you… _you_ _see_…" He stopped: Zach looks more frightened than he's ever seen him look before.

"Zach, what's wrong?"

Zach's chin begins to tremble, and his eyes are filling with tears. "You're leaving", he states. "That's what you want to tell me."

He's stunned. "Zach, where did you get that idea from?!"

"It's because… when Olivia said she was leaving she got all serious like you, and she said those words exactly. And I heard David the other day, he was saying you could go back to the US, and you didn't say anything, so I knew." He's crying openly now but doesn't seem to realise it. He draws himself upright, and says, stoically: "But that's OK. It's not your home here."

"Oh Zach…" His throat is so tight that he can't talk. Then: "Zach, look at me. Please, look at me."

Zach looks up, with great difficulty. He wants to be strong, he doesn't want Fitz to see how upset he is. "Zach. I'm not leaving you. I promise, OK?"

Zach looks so uncertain, so unsure, that he knows he has to jump straight in. "Zach, listen. I'd like to go back to the US. But not without you. So, I wanted to ask you…" He clears his throat. This is it, he thinks, this is really it. "Would you like… would you like to come and live with me? In the US?"

This time, the expression on Zach's face is almost comical but also gut wrenchingly painful. He swallows. "You mean, you mean for good? _Forever_?"

Fitz's eyes are prickling with tears. "Yes, Zach, forever."

"You mean… you mean we'd be like a family?"

He nods. He can't speak to save his life right now.

"You mean… would you be like… _my dad_?"

"Do you… do you want me to be your dad?" That's the hardest question he's ever had to ask. Harder even than asking Olivia not to leave, two months before.

And Zach isn't answering, he's just staring at him and Fitz is getting worried. "Zach, listen, it doesn't mean you have to forget about your mum and dad, or that you can't ever talk about them. It's just…" He doesn't know how to put it. And he doesn't have to: Zach simply huddles up right against him and sneaks his arms around his waist.

And nods.

-x-

Zach falls asleep, finally, a couple of hours after take-off, and for the first time since the day he's agreed to move to the US with Fitz, Fitz gets some time to himself to think back over the events of the last two weeks. Deep down, he really wasn't sure about Zach's reaction. Mostly, he wasn't sure how Zach would feel about leaving Africa. If Zach had refused to go with him, he would have stayed with him in Ghana, just so as not to uproot him again. But now, he's deeply relieved. In fact, he was surprised at Zach's apparent lack of worries about living in a totally foreign continent, until Abby pointed out to him that as far as Zach was concerned, home was where Fitz was. And living in the US is best for both of them: it's where Fitz's life is, at the end of the day, but it's also where Zach will get the professional, psychological help he so desperately needs.

At first, Fitz wanted to settle in Vermont: for one, it is far less busy than the city – but then Sally Langston, the Chief of Staff at Washington Memorial, offered him his old job back. He didn't want it initially: there were too many painful memories in Washington. But then, he realised that as a single father, he would have to get all the help he needed from friends – and that he had very few of those in Vermont, whereas in Washington, Eli and Maya would be at hand. So, he told Sally he would return as head of anesthetics, but not to oversee ITU, and he would only work a regular 9 to 5, with only one night shift a month, and that he would start a month after his arrival in the US. Seeing as the position had been vacant since his departure, she was in no position to refuse.

He will need that extra month to settle Zach in, and sort out schooling, counselling and so on. But also, to get his own bearings back, to reconnect with Eli, and mostly to find his feet as Zach's parent. Strictly speaking, he's not his adoptive father yet: he's his legal guardian. As such he can take him to live away from Ghana and Rwanda, but the adoption procedure is complex and will take a while, since it will involve the US, as well as those two countries. He's confident that he will succeed, though: older, displaced and orphaned children like Zach are difficult cases for any government, so if someone comes along and is willing to adopt them, why not.

He can't believe he's got to that point. When David told him, three months ago, that the Red Cross was closing the orphanage down, and that Zach, with the other kids, would have to be moved to another refugee camp, he couldn't take it in. Then he decided that, in that case, he would go and work as a doctor in whatever camp Zach would be going. At which point David suggested adoption, and then blew his top when Fitz told him, as he had told Olivia, that it was a ridiculous idea.

He doesn't want to dwell on that row, well, not a row exactly, but more a case of David vituperating at the top of his lungs as his inability to see the obvious, his ability to bury his head in the sand, his lack of emotional openness… Again, Olivia's words. And although David was explicitly talking about his relationship with Zach, he knew that he was also reprimanding him for his failure to overcome his lack of trust and forgiveness towards Olivia.

Sometimes he feels like he's had his fill of having his weaknesses and failures being thrown in his face. Although, as far as Zach was concerned, he has to admit that David - and Olivia- were right. So here he is, homebound, with the daily care and responsibility of a wonderful and damaged little boy whom he loves as much as he loved his baby son.

But God it's hard. There's so much to think about. Like yesterday, when he realised a day before the flight that he'd been so focused on the legal stuff (getting the guardianship papers in order, a passport for Zach, etc) that he had no furniture for Zach, no children clothes suitable for American weather, no toys, no books, nothing. He called Eli and Maya's house at 7am US time and Maya answered. The conversation they had over the phone has been threatening to play over and over again in his head, but he's managed to push it aside in the chaos of packing, checking in, and reassuring Zach who was worried the plane would crash, however, now that he's got time and space, he can't push it away anymore... "God, Fitz, I've just got home and been on shift all night, couldn't it wait until, like, tonight when Eli picks you up? _What?_ Oh bummer, actually, you're right, it couldn't wait, it's been raining non-stop. Don't worry, I'll go and get him a couple of pairs of trousers and jumpers, as well as a raincoat. _Actually_, I'll get Eli to get them. Can you imagine", she chuckled – "Eli wandering around the kids department and picking out clothes for a 7 year old… _Anything else?_ OK, and a couple of DVDs, and some books, to get him started. Fine. _What?_ You must be joking! No, we're not going to buy him a kid bed today! He can sleep in your guest room on the double bed for a few nights… _What?_ Oh, why your guest bedroom and not Josh's old room?" Silence, and then, very gently: "Fitz, the day you left for Ghana, I don't know how much of it you remember but… you found Olivia in the middle of packing away Josh's stuff from his bedroom. You got very angry with her because she hadn't asked you about it. And she followed you to your bedroom, and then downstairs, trying to talk. But you stormed out, straight to catch your flight." She paused, obviously trying to find the least painful way to say it, but it was useless, because he could already feel the pain. "Fitz, from what she told me, she packed her own things straightaway, and left. She left all of Josh's stuff there, his cot, his clothes, his toys, all of it as it was. She hasn't set foot in the house, let alone in Josh's bedroom, since then. She just couldn't."

At that point he couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. And he must have remained silent for a very long time, because Maya suddenly asked, very softly, very kindly: "Do you want us to go and sort out Josh's room today? There's plenty of time before you get here." All he could do was to thank her, and to whisper, in a strangled voice, that it wasn't necessary, that he would do it when the time was right.

A few hours on, he's still very shaken by Maya's words. And scared. Because they force him to do what he's avoided doing for weeks: to think about Olivia. Not simply miss her, not simply wish she were there. But to really think about her and Josh.

To think about them.


	13. Chapter 13

Just a massive shout out to all that read and review, it spurs me on to no end, so thank you! It seems my muse is at work with this story, and the chapters just keep on rolling out! So here's another...

Part 13

He can hear the plane's engines, so that's good. He still doesn't get how the plane can stay up in the air so high. Fitz explained it all at the airport, but it's too complicated. Something to do with the air being like a cushion for the plane. That's weird, how can something you can't see can be a cushion?

It doesn't matter anyway, all that matters is that Fitz said the plane wouldn't crash and that they would get to the US in _good_ _time_. He didn't know time could be good or bad. But if it's good, well, it's good.

Right now, he is pretending to be asleep, because he has to think about stuff, and it's easier to do that if your eyes are closed. Before they left, he didn't have time to think about stuff because everything was rush, rush, rush, but now it's quiet on the plane. When Fitz said he could go and live with him in the US, it felt like… it felt like looking at the sea but a million times better. A bit like when you run in a race with the other kids, and you run, and run, and run, and then suddenly you know you can stop, and you don't have to keep running, and it feels so nice. He finds it hard to call Fitz "Dad", but Fitz said that was OK to keep calling him Fitz, that the important thing was to be together as a family, not names.

Fitz said they would live the two of them, in his house, in Washington. He knows about Washington because Olivia sent him some cards and photos. It's a big city but it's not too far from the coast, so that's good. He's going to get his own bedroom. That's exciting and scary too. It's exciting because he'll have plenty of space for his stuff and his drawings and crayons. But it's scary, because when he wakes up at night with the nightmares he'll be all alone. But Fitz said his bedroom would be close, and he would hear him if that happens, and he'll come straight away. So, he felt better. Also, Fitz said that he could choose the colour for the walls and stuff. Well, that's easy, it'll be blue, like the sea.

Olivia's dad is picking them up from the airport and driving them to Fitz's home. His name is Eli. Maybe he'll be able to talk to Eli about Olivia, because he can't talk to Fitz about her, and he misses her, and he needs to talk about her. When he asked Abby yesterday whether Olivia would be at the airport too, she sort of stroked his head, and told her that Olivia was away in Canada for a month, and he was really, really upset. A month. And it's a long month, today is the first of May, he counted the days, 31 days. If it'd been February it would've been 28 days, but May is 31 days. So, all he can do is wait, and keep counting. He's made sure he's packed his big calendar. And his crayons, and his drawings.

Fitz said that when they live in Washington, he'll be able to talk to someone about his drawings, and the nightmares. Not a doctor, so that's good, but just someone to talk to. Mostly he doesn't want to talk about it, because it's so horrible and scary. But sometimes, he wants to, but he can't, because if he talks to Fitz about it, it'll make him sad. And, OK, he knows Fitz loves him, but some of the stuff that happened in the camp, he feels so ashamed of it that he's scared that if Fitz knows, he won't love him as much. Well, he knows with his head that that's not true, but he doesn't know it with his tummy. And that's scary. So maybe it'll be good to talk to this woman about that stuff.

Suddenly, Fitz wakes him up, well not really because he's not really asleep, but Fitz doesn't know that (actually, Fitz does know it, but if Zach needs to pretend to be asleep, he'll let him be), and they have to leave the plane, and wait for the luggage. He's worried about the luggage, what if the people at the airport, back in Ghana, made a mistake and sent it to the other side of the world… it's funny to think of their bags travelling all around the world, all by themselves, maybe they'll go to Canada, where Olivia is… maybe they'll find Olivia and bring her back really soon… Well, he knows that's a silly idea, but it's a nice idea.

Well, the luggage is just there, so now they're walking out to where lots of people are waiting. It's weird some of them have pieces of paper with names on them like they don't really know who they are waiting for. And then, suddenly, this man kneels in front of him.

"Zach? Hi. I'm Eli."

He doesn't know what to say. It's Olivia's dad. He feels shy, and odd, because it's weird grown-ups having parents. But it's rude not to say or do anything when someone says hello to you. So he smiles.

And Eli is hooked.

-x-

They've been in Washington for 21 days, but they've gone so fast it felt like they left Ghana yesterday. It's been so much fun. He's never seen a house as big as Fitz's house. It's got a big kitchen, and another room where you can eat when there're lots of people, it's called a dining room, and a front room which called front room because it's at the front of the house, and then you go upstairs, and there're a bathroom, and three bedrooms. One bedroom for Fitz, it's big, with a big bed, and lots of room for clothes, and then there's his bedroom. And Josh's bedroom. Fitz didn't open that door when he showed him the whole house. He just said "_and that was Josh's bedroom_" in a very sad voice so it was best not to ask to take a look.

It's raining a lot, so they can't play in the garden much, but that's OK, because they can read books, and watch movies on the DVD thing, it's this amazing thing where you can spot a bit you really like on the disk and go straight to it, and it all sounds so good.

Last week Eli and Maya came around, (Fitz introduced her as Olivia's mum), he likes them both a lot. They live close by, together, as husband and wife, just like his parents, except, unlike his parents they seem to argue a lot more. But then sometimes they laugh at each other too; even Fitz laughs at them, so he doesn't worry too much. Even if they don't look like they have lamps switched on inside them, he can tell they really do care about each other.

Anyway, so they came last week, for a painting party, to help him and Fitz paint his room all blue. It was so much fun, Fitz's hair was full of bits of paint, and he couldn't stop laughing. Whereas Eli doesn't have much hair, so it was OK, but he got a bit on his nose, it made him look like an Indian like in the western they saw on the telly with this big American actor, John something. And then they had a take away, it's when you phone a place and tell them what you want to eat and they bring it over to you so you don't have to cook or go out if you're really tired. And now he's got a blue bedroom like the sea, with a white bed, and a cupboard where he can fold his clothes neatly.

It always makes Fitz chuckle, how neatly he folds his clothes, but it's important, it's what his mum told him to do, he can remember that. Fitz said that of course it's important, that he is just teasing him. Teasing is neat, it's like, you make fun of someone but not because you don't like them, or you think they're stupid, but because you love them. So now he teases Fitz sometimes, when he cooks. He loves watching Fitz cook, he pulls the stuff out from cupboards without even looking, and he doesn't even measure things out… but he teases Fitz because Fitz always talks to himself when he cooks, _always_, and that makes him laugh.

Fitz said he would start school next week, its only a few blocks away. It's exciting, but scary too, because he loves school but he's nervous that the other kids won't like him, and they all know each other, but he doesn't know them. Fitz said it'd be OK, but that he must tell him if it's really hard.

He's started seeing this woman about the drawings and the nightmares. He has to go two times a week, and it's so hard, it makes him cry a lot, but afterwards Fitz takes him to a nice place where he can have an ice cream and sit there and look at the people in the street. It's not as good as looking at the sea, but it's nice too.

Fitz said he would start working at the hospital again soon, and that sometimes Eli or Maya would pick him up from school, so he started spending time with them already. Which is nice, because that way he can talk about Olivia. He wants to know everything about her, so he asks Eli and Maya lots of questions. She looked really nice when she was a kid, they've showed him lots of photos of her. She's still in Canada, but coming back in 9 days. He can't wait.

And he wonders whether Fitz can wait too.


	14. Chapter 14

Part 14

So that's what full time parenting is like, then. He had no idea, because Mellie had brought up Karen (their daughter) without much input from him, busy as he was with his work, and then Olivia did the lionshare of looking after Josh. So what a steep learning curve this is. The practical things of course, but more importantly the emotional stuff: reassuring Zach about school, taking him to the counsellor twice a week, picking up the pieces after a particularly difficult session, finding things to do with him during the day until he starts school, easing him into a good relationship with Eli and Maya…

Exhausting, but wonderful. Those DVDs they watch together: somehow Zach adores westerns. Not his cup of tea usually, but seeing them through the eyes of a 7 year old somehow enhances their appeal. The walks they've managed to take despite the weather. Yesterday he took Zach to the coast to look at the sea, and once again delighted at the little boy's ability to lose himself in the moment, to absorb it all, to be awed at such magnificent views… Cooking for him, and with him too, as he's begun to let Zach help around the house… teaching him new words, new ideas, new things… And now, taking him to school, and picking him up, and have him tell him about his classes and the other kids at school, reassuring him on the first day that of course they wouldn't talk to him much, as they don't know him, rejoicing with him on the seventh day (Zach counted them) that one other boy, another kid from Rwanda, wanted to sit next to him in class, saying that yes, of course, he could invite him over to the house to play and do stuff. "You mean, even for a sleepover?", "Well, I'll have to talk to his parents about it, but sure, why not?" His throat still tightens when he thinks of the expression on Zach's face at that point.

He loves all of this and feels deep regret that he has missed it with his daughter, and that he would never live through it with Josh.

In fact, he has begun to call Karen more often. Having been estranged for too many years, slowly, the pair were starting to rebuild bridges. The breakdown in their relationship had been entirely his fault; he had failed her miserably after the death of her mother. The catalyst being his complete inability to cope with her grief, as well as his own. Blinded by his sorrow, he had made the regretful decision to send her away; to finish her schooling in a prestigious boarding school in New York. Mellie had family in New York, whom (following numerous discussion after the funeral), had promised to keep a close eye on her, and in fairness to them, they did and have continued to do so. At the time, he truly believed he was doing the right thing by her, but looking back, he knows his judgement was grossly altered. Subsequently, it has taken a great deal of effort on his part to restore the tentative relationship they have now. So, when it came to Zach, she had to be told about the adoption of course. At first, he was worried about her reaction, as she hadn't taken the news of Josh's conception very well (considering that his mother, Olivia, was a few years younger than herself, and even more concerning- she was Eli and Maya's daughter- the whole thing did not sit well with her at all). But he needn't have worried: Karen was gobsmacked, sure, but then entirely supportive, and announced she would be visiting soon to "get to meet this new brother of mine, I've got to fill him in on you too, Dad…"

But like an ache that won't go away no matter what you do, Olivia is there, always, in his mind, in his thoughts, at odd times of the day and night. Initially, he was relieved when Eli told him that she'd be gone for a month. "She's exhausted and needs a break, so I got her a ticket so that she can visit some friends in Canada. What? Oh of course she's coming back to Washington, she loves her job here, I'm here and her mum… so is Quinn and Harrison. Nothing in Eli's tone suggested that he knew what had happened between him and Olivia in Ghana, so he didn't say anything: no point in ruining their friendship, once again.

But she's coming back in two days – the day he goes back to work, and fortunately, he'll be in meetings all day and won't bump into her. In fact, she might not even be there, she might have decided to take a couple of days off to recover from her travels. He can't face her. Not yet. He still wants her. He knows how he feels about her. And he isn't sure that he can give her what she's asked for. But he can sense a shift within himself, and it scares him. The other day, he was talking to Karen on the phone, and to his surprise she asked him whether he was still in touch with her. For the first time since he'd told her about his relationship with Olivia and the baby's impending birth, there was no hostility in her voice towards her. As a result, he felt able to tell her, without getting into two much detail, that they had started seeing each other in Ghana, but that things hadn't worked out. When she asked him why they hadn't worked out ("For God's sake, Dad, what's up with you two?!") he retorted that he didn't have it in himself to forgive her for her behaviour to him after Josh's death, and that he couldn't trust her again.

Karen's reply stunned him. "Well, she behaved exactly like you did after Mum died. I tried to reach out to you, I needed you, and you just couldn't listen." He can still hear the tremor in her voice. "I needed you, Dad, but it was like… you retreated behind a wall, and there was nothing anyone, including me, could do about it."

"I know I did. And I'm so sorry", he remembers whispering. "And believe me, if I could turn back the clock… I'd never ever do that again to you. Never. You've got to believe me."

"Oh, I do. I really do. So why can't you believe Olivia, then?"

He doesn't know why he can't, but that's the thing, until that conversation with Karen, he was convinced he knew that he couldn't. And it scares him, because that, together with Maya's words to him ("She hasn't been back to Josh' bedroom, Fitz, she couldn't") tells him that he has to make his peace with Olivia somehow.

Which is why, now that Zach has gone to bed, he finds himself outside Josh's bedroom. He hasn't been in there since he left for Ghana either. He opens the door, gently, and takes it all in. Olivia had indeed left everything as it was when he interrupted her packing. There're a few open cardboard boxes, baby clothes all over the floor, the cotbed is still made, with its teddy bear in the corner. For a few seconds, he thinks he won't be able to do it. After a while, he steps into the room, and sits on the floor. Slowly, he begins the difficult task of finishing what Olivia had begun, unmaking the bed, sorting out the clothes, pressing the teddy bear against his cheek. And as he fingers one of Josh's baby grows, remembering his birth, the rush of love he felt for him, the agony of his death, he lets his grief wash over him for a while and do its business of seizing his guts in waves of pain.

Suddenly, he becomes aware of someone looking at him. Zach is standing there, in his pajamas.

"Zach! What's wrong? What are you doing here?"

"I… I woke up."

"Did you have a nightmare again? Shall I get you a glass of water? Come on, let's get you back into bed."

But Zach resolutely ignores him, and steps inside. "Zach", this time, his tone is slightly sharper. "You need to sleep, you've got school tomorrow." Which is not the real issue: he knows it, and Zach senses it too. But Zach, who loves Fitz with every fiber of his being, and who would do anything to please him, won't give in this time.

He comes and sits on the floor next to him. "Are these Josh's clothes? What are you doing with them?"

"I'm packing them." He's about to get up and lead Zach to his bedroom, when Zach, wordlessly, begins to fold the clothes, very neatly, very tidily, as he does most things, and places them in the boxes, one by one, in perfect piles. And there's nothing Fitz can do but join him, desperately hoping that he will be able to hold back his tears.

When they're done, Fitz picks up the teddy bear and hands it over to Zach. "Here. You can have it if you want."

Zach's eyes go wide, but then he says, very seriously, "No. You've got to ask Olivia first whether she wants it."

It's the first time in three months that Zach has pronounced her name. Fitz shakes his head and whispers, barely able to speak: "I think she would want you to have it."

Zach swallows. He's obviously struggling with something. "Fitz…", very hesitantly, in a very low voice, "Fitz, are you still angry with her?"

After a long pause, he says, sounding very tired all of a sudden: "No Zach, I'm not. And now, back to bed. Come on."

In the early hours of the morning, he tells himself that he needs to take his mind off things, and that he'll ask Eli and Maya over for dinner. They're good company, Eli will make him laugh…

Except that Eli is fed up to the back teeth with the whole thing.


	15. Chapter 15

Part 15

He can tell that Eli isn't his usual self: something is obviously bothering him, although from the way he is talking to Zach and joking with him, in his usual gruff but loving manner, you wouldn't guess. But he has known him for 30 years, and he can tell. Maya seems OK, so it's probably not to do with their relationship– from what he can see, they have managed to get their marriage back on track. Although, he will always feel guilty in knowing that he and Olivia had attributed to many of the problems they faced over the last year or so. You see, (despite the initial shock) Maya had always shown a lot more understanding and support of their relationship, whereas Eli had not initially, which often led to them having extremely heated and volatile arguments. And then when Josh died, well that took an excruciatingly heavy toll on every single one of them. It was enough to pull the strongest people apart. But, like they say- time is indeed a healer, and Fitz was glad to see that all that hostility between them had been abated. He is genuinely happy for them, and prays that it continues, because together, Eli and Maya were a formidable force, and a great source of support to both himself and Zach.

After dinner, Maya suggests to Zach that the two of them read some stories together in his bedroom before he goes off to sleep, studiously ignoring Fitz's raised eyebrows.

Eli can't stop fidgeting. Nor does he seem able to sustain inconsequential chitchat. After five minutes of this, Fitz just caves in.

"OK, what's up?"

"Mm?"

"Come on, Eli. You've been odd all evening, then Maya disappears upstairs and conveniently leaves the two of us alone… so what's up?"

Eli doesn't say anything, and Fitz is getting worried. "Eli! Is there something wrong? Is it… is it about you and Maya?"

"What? Oh no. We're fine. Were finally going in the right direction…"

"OK. So what is it, then?"

Eli takes a deep breath and looks straight at him. "Olivia is coming back tomorrow."

All of a sudden, he can feel his heart hammering in his chest. "I know", he manages to say very evenly.

Long silence. Eli scratches his head and takes another deep breath. "Look, Fitz, I just want to make sure that… well, you know…"

"No, Eli, this time I don't know", he replies, with a sharp edge in his voice. "Make sure that what, exactly?"

"That it'll be OK for her, with you back here and…"

"Don't worry", he cuts him off, "I have no intention of making things difficult for her." After a pause, he asks, with difficulty: "Does she know I'm back?"

"I haven't been in touch with her for a month", Eli replies, absent-mindedly, "no one has. That was what she wanted: no contact, nothing, just to be away from it all… wait a second! You haven't told her?"

Eli can't believe it, and is outraged, which makes Fitz feel very defensive. "Of course I haven't, she's been away and I didn't know how to contact her."

"I didn't mean this past month! I meant when you were in Ghana and once you'd decided to bring Zach over here! That must have been about two months ago, and you knew she was still in Washington then! For goodness sake, Fitz!"

Maya has just come into the room. "Eli, _sssshh_…please keep your voice down, Zach has just got off to sleep and…"

He spins around towards her: "Did you hear that?! All this time, he's been making all these plans, and not once did he think fit to warn our daughter that he was coming back! What were you thinking, Fitz?! 'Oh, no problem, I'll just say a quick hello to Olivia on my day back at work in between two patients'. Or 'not to worry, now that I don't want to sleep with her anymore, our paths won't cross anyway so….'"

Fitz is stung and getting angry. "That's unfair and you know it!"

"No, I don't, actually! All I know is that three months ago, I picked up my daughter from the airport, only to discover that she was in almost as bad a shape as she had been before she'd left, and to find out that you'd got back together again, only for you to tell her that well, sorry Olivia, but after all, you couldn't make any kind of commitment!" He's in full flow now, and oblivious to Maya's worried expression, or to the thunderous look on Fitz's face. "And you know what, I've really tried to understand, to accept that you wouldn't ask me how she is, you wouldn't ever talk about her... and now I discover that you couldn't even bring yourself to tell her you were back… And what about Zach? _Mmm_? Have you thought of him in all this? And her? He loves her, and Olivia loves him too. _What_ _were_ _you_ _going_ _to_ _do?_ Tell him that he couldn't see her? Not tell her he was here? Fitz, what?!"

"Don't you dare tell me I didn't think of Zach! It's all I ever do! And the problem is that I don't have a clue as to how he feels in all this because he never talks about her! And I don't know what to do about that!"

Eli looks at him with something close to pity but before he can say anything, Maya interjects, very gently: "He does, Fitz. Not to you, but to us, he does. All the time."

"_What_?", he asks, going very pale.

There's such pain on his face, in his eyes, that Maya can't speak. But Eli can. "He asks us questions about her, what she was like when she was a child, what she was doing at school, whether she liked the sea, whether she did drawings, what she's like with people who are sick at the hospital… I must have shown him our entire photo collection of her about twenty times."

Fitz walks over to the window, unable to face Eli, distraught at having missed Zach's desperate need to talk about her. "What have I done to him", he whispers in a strangled voice. "_What have I done…_" He swallows. "I've never talked to him about her because he never mentions her name, and I thought it'd be too painful for him. But I've wanted to. So many times… but why did he not say anything?"

This time, Maya responds. "He told me tonight that until last night, he thought you were very angry with her. And very sad about her. He didn't want to make you more sad."

He rubs his face with his hands, tiredly. "I see. Eli… I… I assumed you would tell her I was planning to come back."

Eli shakes his head. "And I assumed you had, and that if she never mentioned it, she had her reasons. God, what a mess. It was up to you to do it, Fitz, not me, or Maya, or anyone else! I don't understand you, I really don't. I mean… a few months ago, you were all set to be with her, to have a family with her, and then you start again with her in Ghana, and now… I don't get it" he sighs, defeated.

Fitz snorts. "Well, a lot of things have changed since a few months ago… Josh died", he says, painfully, "and things never went back to normal. And I don't understand you! I can't believe you want us to be together… after the way you reacted at first… Anyway, get real. I mean, I'm turning 48 in a few months, I'm twenty five years older than her, a single father to a 7 year old, I mean, what an attractive prospect for her."

"Fitz, come on", Maya says, pained by the bitterness in his voice. She is about to say something when Eli cuts her off. But he isn't angry. In fact, there's something very hard, very deliberate, very ruthless in his voice. "I can't believe you've just said that, Fitz. This rubbish about the age gap… well, obviously, it didn't bother you when you took her to bed! Oh, but I guess it wouldn't, would it? I bet you congratulated yourself, didn't you Fitz? Couldn't believe your luck, could you? She's beautiful, young and sexually experienced – what a dream combination! I bet it was really, really good with her, wasn't it?"

"Stop it! Just stop it!", Fitz yells, "It's your daughter you're talking about!"

"Yes. It's my daughter." And this time, Eli isn't ruthless: there's a tremor in his voice. "It's my daughter, and I can't stand seeing her in such a state. She's 23, her baby is dead… and she is in love with a man who refuses to admit to himself that he loves her… how much more pain, Fitz" – he's choking on his words – "how much more pain does she have to endure?"

"It's not that I can't admit it to myself", he says, almost inaudible. "It's just… I'm terrified that if I tell her… anyway, do you really want that for her? I mean, even if we could make it work a few years, what about in 10, 15 years? She'll be in her mid thirties, I'll be touching retirement… do you really want that? I don't believe you do. If it were my daughter, I wouldn't." He's exhausted, and it shows. "_Look_, I… I'll phone her myself to tell her I'm back, and about Zach. She deserves to hear it from me. Could you… could you give me a couple of days, and her too, until she's recovered from her flight? Please?"

Eli nod. "She starts work again on the 4th. That gives you 4 days. Listen… I'm sorry if I was too rough on you. It's just…I want you both to be happy. That's all. We'd better go now."

At which point Zach, who was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, hurries up the stairs, back to his bedroom.


	16. Chapter 16

She's back!

Part 16

She sinks down on the floor, her back to her door, unable to grasp what has just happened. She came back yesterday and has been trying to recover from her trip and sort all her bits out– She isn't due back at work for another couple of days, and as Quinn and Harrison are at work, the house is very quiet. She hasn't seen her parents yet, she's just texted her dad to let them know she had landed safely and to tell him she would ring them later tonight.

This morning, she decided to go out for some fresh air. And as she was walking past the hospital, she saw him. She can't have made a mistake. She knows him so well – his height, his figure, his build. He was getting out of his car in the staff car park, and heading into the hospital, carrying a briefcase.

He's back. But it's not possible. Come on, Olivia, don't be ridiculous, of course it's possible, you've just seen him. But he can't have left Zach behind! _Well_, he obviously did because, let's face it, it's impossible to sort out an international adoption in three months…. And he didn't think it necessary, or kind, or thoughtful, to let you know… well, no, he wouldn't, he must have known I was away. Oh come on, he could have texted you. _Ah_, but maybe he thought my number had changed? You're being ridiculous again, _surely_, he could have taken a chance on the number being the same… No, Olivia, it's the same old Fitz, he probably put it off again and again, burying his head in the sand as usual. God knows what Zach must be going through. _Zach_… I have to phone the orphanage, she thinks, I sent him some cards from Canada but they've probably not got there yet. I have to find out how he is… and next holiday, I'm going back there to see him… perhaps there's an explanation for all this, perhaps Fitz's here on a short visit to see Sally about the charity… but then why would he be in the staff car park? OK, I just don't know, and I'm going to try not to jump to conclusions, and I'll find out from Dad when I talk to him tonight. Surely he knows…

Her hands are shaking, her breath is shallow, and she doesn't think she can get up – not just yet. Because if there's one thing she is sure of, it's that Fitz's feelings towards her, whatever they are, haven't changed for the better. She remembers her words to him so clearly: "Don't get in touch unless… unless you're sure, deep down, that you can give me your love, your trust, and your forgiveness." Well, he's here, for however long, and hasn't got in touch, so…

And one another thing. If he is here to stay, she's leaving Washington. She knows she won't be able to bear being around him and carrying the burden of her hopeless desire to be with him. She closes her eyes. Almost two years since things started changing between us, she tells herself bleakly, we've been apart, had a child and lost him, tried to reconnect but failed, he's getting that little bit older, I've travelled, and put time and space between us… and still, despite all this, I still love him, and want him… and I can't carry on like that.

Finally, she gets up, exhausted, and picks up the phone to call Ghana. She is about to dial the number, when there's a knock on the door. She's tempted to leave it – who could it be – but the knock is getting louder, more insistent. She opens the door and freezes at the sight of the familiar figure standing there, drenched in rain, and who suddenly bursts into tears.

"_Zach_?!"

He hadn't realised it would take so long to walk from the school to Olivia's house. He knows her address because of the letters she sent him when he was in Ghana, 7 Broad Street. He'd looked it up on the map, without telling Fitz, so when he left school this morning he thought it would be best if he went back to Fitz's house first and walk to Olivia from there. That way, he wouldn't get lost.

He really wants to see Olivia. He knows she's back, in fact, she came back yesterday.

The night before, Maya and Eli came for diner, and Maya read him some stories after dinner, and he started falling asleep, and she left the room, but then he woke up, all thirsty... He remembers it all. He went downstairs to get a glass of water and hears them talking. He knows he shouldn't listen, that it's rude, but suddenly Eli is talking about Olivia, and he sounds really, really angry, and Fitz sounds really angry too, so he stays on the stairs. It's hard to figure out what they're saying exactly, because it's grown up talk and he's just a little kid. All he knows is that Olivia doesn't know he is living in Washington with Fitz now. Fitz didn't tell her, and that really, really hurts, because it means Fitz doesn't want him to see Olivia when she comes back. But he wants to see Olivia, he needs to see her. And also, it's hard to understand because it sounds as if Eli says that Olivia loves Fitz, and that maybe Fitz loves her, but can't tell her. But that's weird because if you love someone and they love you, then you can tell them because you know they won't laugh at you or think you're silly.

He couldn't really sleep afterwards, and couldn't really talk to Fitz, all he could think about was that Olivia was coming back today. And then, this morning, he got into a fight with one of the kids at school, who said that Fitz was very old, and not his real dad, and would get sick of looking after a stupid kid like him and would send him back to Africa.

But it's not true, Fitz is not that old. And OK, his head looks a bit grey on the sides, but he doesn't have a big belly hanging over his trousers like some of the dads. But then he remembered what Fitz said the other night, that he was twenty five years older than Olivia. Twenty five years sounds like a lot. Maybe that's why Olivia doesn't want him. Because Fitz said that Olivia doesn't want him, he remembers that. Or he thinks that's what Fitz said, he isn't sure, he was getting so tired because it was late in the evening. And Fitz also said that maybe Olivia didn't want him because of him, Zach… he's really, really upset about that because he really thought Olivia loved him, so why would she not want Fitz because of him? Maybe Fitz will send him back in order to be with Olivia.

So after the fight, he sneaked out of the school, that was easy, the teacher wasn't looking, and he decided to go to Olivia's place and talk to her. He needs to talk to her, he needs to know that it will be OK, that she won't want him to go back to Ghana, that she loves Fitz, that it will all be OK.

But it started raining, and he is walking, and walking, and walking, and it takes forever, and he's getting really cold, and now he's really worried because there is a Broad Street, but also a Broad Avenue, and a Broad Close, so which one is the right one? Maybe he made a mistake, maybe Olivia lives in Broad Close, not Broad Street. So he's going to try Broad Street first, and then the other ones.

He knocks on the door, and she opens it, and she looks exactly like he remembers, and for a horrible second she looks so surprised he thinks she doesn't recognise him and will close the door, so he starts crying, but then she draws him inside and holds him and tells him it's all going to be OK.

He's shaking so badly against her, with distress, cold, and exhaustion, that she doesn't even try to get him to talk. She checks his bag quickly, falters at the sight of Josh's teddy bear, and is disappointed not to find his PE kit. She undresses him quickly, dries him off, and settles him on the sofa in his underwear, with a big blanket, all the time talking to him soothingly, holding him, hugging him, reassuring him.

After a while, he calms down, and looks up to her with big, frightened eyes.

"Zach…" she says gently, "Zach… you're living in Washington with Fitz now, _right_?"

He gulps and nods.

"OK. He doesn't know you're here, _right_?"

He shakes his head. "Zach, we have to tell him you're safe, he'll be very worried." He'll be going out of his mind with panic and terror, she thinks, but there's no point in telling Zach that. "Do you have his mobile number with you?" Without waiting for his reply she finds his school notebook, with Fitz's contact number. Same number as before, she notes. Without leaving Zach's side, she grabs the phone and dials the number. No reply, just the voicemail. Damn. "Fitz, hi, it's Olivia, Zach's just turned up at my house… _I_ _mean_, Quinn's house. He's fine but could you please call me asap?"

She tries her dad and her mother… their mobiles are engaged. So she leaves messages at the hospital, with the general surgery department, the anaesthetics department, ITU, Sally's secretary, the school… everywhere she can think of. Then she calls Fitz again, and again gets diverted to the voicemail. For Christ's sake Fitz what's up with your phone?! Gritting her teeth, she says, flatly: "Fitz, it's me again. I'm taking Zach to your house now by cab, he got soaked in the rain and needs dry clothes. I've still got my keys. I'll let us in. Meet you there."

After calling the cab company, she turns to Zach, and her tone is immediately softer. "OK, sweetheart, let's take you home. And then you can tell me why you ran away from the school and came here." Very gently she bundles him into the taxi, and keeps him close to her, in her arms, during the ride. When she opens Fitz's door, she is so focused on Zach's distress that it doesn't occur to her she hasn't been back here since the day Fitz left for Ghana. Within fifteen minutes she's got Zach dressed in warm, dry clothes, with a mug of warm milky chocolate.

He hasn't said a word since he got to her place. All he can do is stare at her with big eyes, obviously scared and worried. "Zach… can you tell me what happened?"

He swallows. He looks as if there's so much he wants to say that he doesn't know where to start. She remembers how she dealt with him, all those months ago, on the beach, the night he ran away from the orphanage. So again, she ventures a guess, that he had a fight at school, that maybe things are difficult here, in Washington, a new place, a new life… and of course, she knows so little of what happened to him since she left Ghana that she inevitably gets it wrong, and he inevitably begins to tell her what happened _exactly_. Except that he's not sure he remembers everything right, and that a lot of what seems to be going on with Fitz obviously is way over his 7-year-old head. Still, she gets the basics, or at least some of the basics: that he overheard Fitz and her father row the other night, that he's upset because Fitz hadn't told her they were back in Washington so he's worried he won't be able to see her (Damn you again, Fitz, how could you do this to him, _to_ _me_… how could you handle this so badly), that he thinks Fitz loves her but he isn't sure (I'm not sure either, you know), that he's terrified Olivia doesn't want to be with Fitz because he is too old and because he's looking after him, and that Fitz will send him back to Africa because he's not his real dad.

At last he's done, utterly spent. She puts her arm around his shoulders. "Zach, listen to me… I love Fitz, and I think he loves me… but I don't know… I don't know whether we will ever be a family, the way you want us to be. Sometimes… with grown-ups, even if they love someone very much, they can't live with them, and it's hard to explain why." She pauses, and then, choking on her words a bit, she adds, very fiercely: "But I promise you, Zach, _I promise you_ that I love you, and that I don't want you to go back to Ghana, or to Rwanda… and I promise you that Fitz will never, ever send you back either. _Never_, Zach, do you hear me? He will never do that. You see… what the other kid said at school, that Fitz isn't your real dad. Well, it's not true. I mean… do you remember what I told you, back in Ghana, the day you asked me how babies were made?"

His eyes are glued on her face. He nods, and then whispers: "Course I remember. I wanted to know how you and Fitz made Josh but I didn't want to ask that so I asked how babies were made instead."

She smiles at him, with a hint of sadness. "Do you remember what I said to you?"

He's getting almost indignant now, which is a good sign that he's feeling better about things: "Course I do! You said that the mummy and the daddy each had a small seed, and they made sure the seeds sort of got together, and then the seeds grew together, like a plant or a tree, except that it's not a tree, it's a baby."

"That's right, Zach", she marvels at his memory and intelligence. "Well, when people say that Fitz isn't your real dad, what they mean is that as a baby you didn't grow out of his small seed. And it's true, you didn't, you were made with your other dad's small seed, and your mum's seed, back in Rwanda. But you see…that's not what being a dad means, Zach. It's very easy, to put the seeds together so that they grow. What's important is what you do afterwards. It's loving your baby, and feeding him, and making sure that he's OK, that he isn't too cold, or too warm… and when the baby grows, and becomes a kid, it's doing all those things, and taking him to school, and talking to him, and teaching him stuff…"

She is so focused on him that she notices every expression on his face, the way it begins to relax, the returning liveliness in his eyes. Softly, with a catch in her voice, she adds: "To be a dad, it's doing all of that… and taking your son to the beach to look at the sea, coming into his room at night when he has nightmares and staying with him until he goes back to sleep… that's what being a dad means, Zach. It means loving your son so much it almost hurts sometimes."

She lets her words sink in, and then says: "Zach, your other dad, in Rwanda… he did all those things for you, and he was a read dad to you. But now, Fitz is doing all this, and he loves you that much. And you know what, you didn't grow out of his small seed, but of all the kids at the orphanage, of all the kids he knows, he chose you. He chose you. So don't listen to anyone who says he isn't your real dad. He is a real dad to you."

For a long time, he doesn't say anything. Then, in a very small voice, he asks: "Olivia, all those things you said about being a dad. Is it the same about being a mum?"

She closes her eyes, remembering the smell of her lost son and feeling the pain of not being able, ever, to do all those things for him. Before she can say anything, Zach stiffens and gasps. She opens her eyes, and reflexively tightens her hold on him.

Fitz is standing there, looking haggard.


	17. Chapter 17

Part 17

"It's the same, Zach", he whispers. "It's exactly the same."

He walks over to the sofa and kneels in front of Zach. "Zach, what Olivia said… it's true. I will never send you back, ever. I'm your father. You're my son. Never forget that."

Olivia gets up, but Zach is holding on to her, and she gently disengages herself. "Zach, look, you and Fitz need to talk about things together. And I need to go upstairs to the bathroom. Don' t worry, I won't go home without saying goodbye to you."

Without so much as a glance towards Fitz, she walks out. She doesn't quite know why she couldn't really look at him. Anger that he couldn't tell her anything about his plans. Embarrassment at the thought he might have heard everything she said to Zach, including her confession that she loves him. She's so tired she can't think straight. All she knows is that she can't leave Washington. Not now. Not with Zach around. She'll just have to keep her distance from Fitz as much as possible. She'll manage. Somehow.

She's lost in her thoughts and suddenly realises that she's standing in front of Josh's bedroom. What used to be Josh's bedroom. She pushes the door open. The room has been repainted, and re-carpeted. The cot bed has been dismantled and is standing against a wall. There are neatly stacked boxes in the far corner – baby clothes, spare nappies… Tears spring to her eyes. The desolate look of the room, full of memories of her son, but so obviously no longer his room, is the last straw after a very long, very difficult day. She lets the tears flow on her cheeks, and the memories flood her mind and heart. Slowly, she calms down and after a long time feels ready, at last, to go back downstairs and say goodbye to Zach.

"Hi".

He startles her, she did not hear him come upstairs. Feeling a little shaky, she turns around and faces him… "Hi".

He clears his throat. "Thanks for… for everything. I… I was going out of my mind; my phone battery went flat on me and…" He stops. He can't bear to relive the sheer terror that gripped him when the school phoned him to tell him Zach was nowhere to be found, or the crippling fear that threatened to engulf him when he started driving around, looking everywhere for him, imagining the worst… he's been through this twice already with Zach, and he doesn't know how he will do it again if Zach keeps running away. "Anyway, thanks so much for looking after him."

"It's OK, Fitz", she shrugs. "I just hope he will understand that he can trust you with things, and that running away is not the solution."

He gives her a tired smile. "My thoughts exactly. I need to work at it more… It's just so hard at times…" he whispers.

For the first time, she looks at him fully. "Zach, he's come on massively in the last three months… he's so much more grown up… and… I mean, tonight was a bad night, but still, I could see how much more relaxed he can be. You're doing an amazing job with him already. Just… give it time."

He's so touched by her trust and confidence in him that he can't say anything at first. "Liv… I'm sorry I didn't tell you we were coming back… it took a while to organise, things were so hectic, then your dad told me you were in Canada… I was going to phone you tonight actually but… I never meant for Zach to think I didn't want him to see you or…" He knows how lame he sounds, how awkward and pathetic really his excuses are, so he stops. There's so much he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know where to start.

"It's OK", she shrugs again. "I understand. Don't beat yourself up about it. You've cleared Josh's bedroom", she states, matter-of-fact.

"Ermm…yes. I did. I… I wanted to ask you whether you wanted some of that stuff, or…"

She shakes her head, but then just as quickly changes her mind. "No. actually… I'd like…" she's starting to get chocked up but wills herself to carry on. "If you don't mind, I'd like to keep the outfit we put on him after he was born, at the hospital…"

He opens one of the boxes and gets the outfit for her. "There. It's yours… I gave his teddy bear to Zach. I hope you don't mind."

"I saw that. Of course I don't mind, you did the right thing… as for the rest, you might as well give it to a charity."

She can hear how abrupt she sounded. "Are you sure?", he asks somewhat formally, before she can soften her words.

"Sure. What's the point of holding on to them?"

She's right, he thinks bleakly, what's the point… "OK", he whispers, "I'll take care of it. We'd better go back down. Zach is in the kichen setting the table for dinner."

Apart from when it's about Zach, she's so distant, so guarded, he thinks, as they make their way down stairs. Well, you can't blame her for that, he tells himself. If you had handled things a bit better, you wouldn't feel as if you're talking to a stranger.

In the kitchen, Zach is looking at them both with big, worried eyes. She immediately goes to him and gives him a hug. "Zach", she says softly, "Zach, I'm going to go home now. But if it's OK with you, and with Fitz, I'd like to see you soon."

His face lights up and he looks towards Fitz, pleadingly, who simply nods with a smile. "But Zach", she carries on, very firmly this time, "Zach, you have to _promise_ us that you won't run away again. If something is bothering you, no matter how bad it is, you tell us. You don't run away. It's very scary for all of us, and dangerous for you too. OK?"

"OK", he says in a low voice.

"You promise?", she insists, knowing how seriously he takes promises.

"I promise", he says solemnly. "I promise", he repeats.

"Good", they say in unison.

She makes her move to leave, so Fitz walks her to the door. "Olivia… I… look, I want you to know… that…" He looks away.

"What?" She asks. "You want me to know what?"

_That you were right when you told Zach I love you, that… that I want to be with you but I'm still so scared to take the risk again, that I'm trying to overcome this but it's so difficult… that there are times, days, when I feel so lonely without you that it feels as if I'm going to choke on it…._ but she isn't really looking at him, she seems keen to make a move, and he remembers her demand so clearly "only when you know for sure you can give me your love, your trust and your forgiveness…" So, he gives up. "Nothing. Look, I'll call you in a couple of days to sort out something with Zach."

It's dark, so he doesn't see the tension on her face and the bleakness in her eyes, as she waves her agreement and walks away.

He shuts the door and goes and finds his son in the kitchen.

She makes her way home, and clutching Josh's baby grow to her chest, she collapse on her bed, sobbing.


	18. Chapter 18

Part 18

Olivia got back 31… _no_, 32, or 33 days ago. It doesn't matter. Counting days exactly doesn't matter as much now. Well, of course, he counts days when Fitz says "you can see Olivia next week", because he has to know what "next week" means exactly. But the most important thing is that she's back and that they do things together. On Tuesdays and Fridays he doesn't have after-school club so she picks him up from school and takes him to the park, or to her house, and he stays with her for a bit until Fitz finishes work. Once, as a extra special treat they went to see a movie. Harry Potter. That was so, so, so good. He didn't understand all of it, it got a bit long, but it was so good. It's so neat with Olivia, they do drawings together, or talk, or read stories, or just _hang_ _out_. He loves that phrase, it's so grown-up, it's what Quinn says "hey guys you're hanging out?"

He really likes Quinn. Sometimes she says things and the others laugh, and he doesn't understand why because he doesn't find it funny, it's a grown-up kind of funny. But she talks to him as if he's a grown up, and that's cool. She says cool a lot. He can tell Olivia doesn't always like it when Quinn asks him grown up stuff like "do you like this outfit Zach, I'm going to meet this guy", or "hey Zach, I've got a date tonight." He doesn't really understand what going on a date means, a date is like… Tuesday June 6th, or Monday July 10th… _so what does it mean to go on a date?_ He wanted to ask Quinn but Olivia hushed her so he couldn't, and somehow it felt weird asking her. So, he asked Fitz instead and Fitz started laughing and said that it's when two grown-ups really, really like each other, they want to spend some time alone together to talk. That's a neat thing, and he thought he had understood it but then when he said "So when you and Eli go to diner, just the two of you, it's a date then?" Fitz laughed even harder, and said no, a date is when two people who don't know each other well, want to know each other better because they like each other and they think that if they spend time together they'll know each other better.

Well, he still doesn't understand it, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is doing stuff with Olivia, and sometimes Quinn, and Fitz of course. It's nice that Olivia is living with Quinn and Harrison. Harrison is nice, and kind of quiet, not like Quinn who's much louder and full of energy. He likes it there at their house. It's nice to live with friends when you're a grown-up, that way you're not lonely. When he's a grown-up maybe he'll live with friends. But Fitz didn't, he asked him. And Fitz got a bit serious, he does sometimes, and said that he got married really young, to Karen's mum; she was called Mellie. He's never met Karen, she's coming to visit soon, she's like his big sister now. His _very_ big sister, because she's 26. But he hadn't realised she had a mum, till now. And when he asked Fitz where Mellie was, he got sad-serious and said she had died in a car accident 12 years ago.

He couldn't say anything, all he could do was give Fitz a big hug. It's so sad, if your wife dies, and then your baby, and if you love someone like Olivia but can't live with them, as Olivia explained the day he ran away… Now he understands why Fitz looks so sad sometimes. But he doesn't understand why Fitz doesn't want to see Olivia. OK, maybe you can't live with someone but if you love them surely you want to see them more? But not Fitz. Fitz has never said it, but he can tell. When Fitz picks him up from Olivia's place on Tuesdays and Fridays, he never stays around, he just says "Hi Olivia, how has Zach been?" and then "Bye Olivia, thanks", with a small smile, and that's it. And they don't do things the three of them, like in Ghana. And OK there's no beach in the city, but they could go to the park or the movies or something, but they don't. And he doesn't want to ask them because he's worried that if he does, they're both going to say no and be even more sad. But he's got an idea. Maybe it'll work. He's got to think about it some more…

"Zach…"

He looks up, Fitz is talking to him, he hadn't heard him. They're having diner in the kitchen: pasta and bolognese sauce, he loves it. "Zach, have you decided whom you want to invite here on Saturday for the barbecue, after the school's sports day?"

_Oh_. He thought he was going to have more time to think about it. But it's better this way, if Fitz is going to say no it's better to know now. "Yes. I want to invite Ben, and Annie, and Poppy, from school."

"OK. That's three. But you can invite one more friend, remember?"

He takes a deep breath. "_And_ _Olivia_", he says, without looking at Fitz.

Fitz doesn't say anything. "It's OK, Fitz, if you don't want to, but you said four friends and she's my friend and I thought…"

"It's fine, Zach, of course you can invite her".

"Really? _Really_?" He can't believe it, he was sure Fitz would say no, he is feeling so happy now...

"Yes Zach, _really_. Tell you what, I'll invite Eli and Maya, that way, you'll have your friends, and I'll have mine."

He's feeling all upset. "But, Fitz, Olivia is your friend too!"

Maybe he shouldn't have said that, Fitz is looking all tired, he always looks tired when it's about Olivia. Maybe he should say sorry, but he doesn't have the time. "You're right, Zach, she's my friend too. So, we'll both invite her." Fitz says in a low, but gentle voice.

He is smiling so big his cheeks hurt. Two more things to ask, just two more… "Can she come to the school too, before the barbecue, to watch the sports?"

Fitz does this funny thing, it's like, he is smiling and giving a sigh at the same time. He isn't sure what that means exactly. "Of course she can. _Well_, we'll have to ask her."

OK, so now one more thing, just one… although, he doesn't even have to ask, because Fitz takes the phone from the kitchen counter (he doesn't even have to get up, he's got those long arms) and he gives it to him. "Why don't you phone her now, and ask her yourself?"


	19. Chapter 19

Part 19

She's having a much better time than she thought she would. When Zach phoned to invite her to the sports day and barbecue, she almost said no. Since she's been back she's managed to keep her distance from Fitz, which wasn't easy as she was seeing quite a bit of Zach, so the very thought of spending a whole day with Fitz was too much. But she could hear the hope in his voice, she could picture what his face would look like if she said no, and in the end, she didn't have the heart to disappoint him.

Those last few weeks with him have been wonderful. She doesn't think she could love him more if he were her own son. She feels for him the same fierce protective attachment, she experiences the same terror at the prospect of anything bad happening to him, as if he were properly hers. She loves to see him interact with Quinn, to watch him fool around with Eli at the park, to read a book with him, to take him to the movies… When she sometimes picks him up from the counsellor and sees that he's been crying through the session, she wants to take him in her arms and shield him from all the things and people who might ever hurt him. And when he scored that goal earlier, at the school's annual football game, she thought she would burst with pride, she couldn't contain herself. He didn't seem to be embarrassed by it, quite the contrary.

The only fly in the ointment is Fitz. He's as distant with her and she's with him. When he picks Zach up from her place on Tuesdays and Fridays he's blandly nice. The first time, she offered him a drink, he declined politely and said they had to make a move, she hasn't offered again since. But she has cried many times after one of those days, despairing of ever getting over him. If it weren't for Zach, she would leave, but she can't abandon him, it would be like leaving her own son behind, and she could never do that.

Today is the first time she's spending more than half an hour in the same place as Fitz since they split up in Ghana almost four months ago now, and at first it felt very strange. She wasn't quite sure what to talk to him about - thank God for Zach though, who proves to be a very safe topic of conversation. Thank God for Jake, too, whom she'd met before, and who seems keen to get to know her better: he's nice, she feels nothing for him, but he's a distraction from her feelings for Fitz, from Fitz's own intense way of looking at her across the garden. These are moments where she knows, deep down, that he still loves her, but she won't make the first step.

Not again. Not ever.

As for Zach, it's the bestest day of his life, he's never felt so happy. Well, that's not true, the day Fitz asked him whether he wanted to make a family with him in the US was the absolute best, and he was very happy then but it was the kind of happy where you want to cry as well. Today is different, today is the kind of happy where you want to smile all the time. Sports day was so good, he didn't win any of the races but he scored a goal – he scored a goal! And afterwards Fitz gave him a present, a football jersey! Just as an extra special treat to celebrate his first school sports day. He couldn't believe it. No one had ever given him a present, just like that, except for Christmas and his birthday, in Rwanda his mum and dad couldn't because they were very poor. And he doesn't remember when his birthday is. But Fitz said that he could choose one day in the year, which would be like his birthday. He hasn't decided which one yet.

But the best thing is, now they're all at Fitz's house, in the garden, and the sun is out, and there's Eli and Maya, and Ben and his parents, and Annie and her parents, and Poppy and her dad, Jake. Poppy's parents are divorced 'cause they couldn't get on, and at weekends she stays with her dad so he came to the barbecue. And there's Olivia of course, she was shouting so hard when he scored the goal that everybody could hear her, and he could see she was jumping up and down, but it didn't make him feel silly, it made him feel really, really good.

When they started the barbecue Fitz and Eli got into a pretend fight about how to do it, but then Fitz started laughing and said "OK. I'm throwing in the towel, you're in charge", which was odd because he didn't have a towel, they're all in the bathroom, but Eli seemed to be pleased. So, he did the sausages, it's important to pick some holes in them with a fork because if you don't they'll burst, and the potatoes, they had to be wrapped into this special shiny paper, so he got to do that with Ben, Annie and Poppy, they're his best friends from school.

And then it got all ready, and now they're eating, the kids on one side, the grown-ups on the other side, and they're all talking and laughing, and it's nice. But he's a bit worried, because Fitz isn't talking to Olivia especially, he's talking to everybody, but Olivia is talking a lot with Jake, and Poppy said "my dad fancies Olivia", and he isn't quite sure what it means but it gave him a funny feeling in his tummy, he didn't like it, not one bit.

Oh, but it's OK now, Jake has gone off to get some salad, and Olivia is talking to her parents, and Fitz is joining them, and they're all laughing at something Olivia says, and he's sitting close so he can see that Fitz is looking at Olivia as if no one else is here, he sometimes looks at him, Zach, that way too, so that must be good. Oh, but now Jake is joining them, and talking to Olivia again, and that's not good… It's so hard to see what's going on because he has to talk to Ben, Annie and Poppy. Fitz explained it, when you have guests you have to look after them and make sure they're having a good time and everything, you can't just go off and do your own thing. _So, why is Fitz not really talking to Olivia, she's his guest too? _

Fitz however, he's got _nothing_ against Jake. _Except_ that he's very good looking, has a wicked sense of humour, is a genuinely nice guy who's obviously devoted to his daughter, fond of Zach, in his mid-thirties, professionally successful… and obviously attracted to Olivia. _Very_ attracted to Olivia.

From where he's sitting, he can see them laugh and joke together. They would make a very handsome couple, he can't help thinking painfully; his fair, classically good looks setting off her dark beauty. A thought comes into his head, unbidden, of the two of them making love… Stop it! He tells himself, just stop it….you've got no right to be jealous, she's got her own life to live, well, he assumes she's living it, because apart from talking to him about is Zach, she is tight lipped on anything else.

"If you don't get your act together soon, you're going to lose her."

He turns around, surprised. Maya is sitting next to him and looking at him with a mixture of affection and exasperation. He's too is very fond of her. Since he's come back from Ghana, she has remained steadfast, supportive and true. Although, nothing ever prepares him for her directness. "What do you mean?", he stalls.

"Fitz. Please. If looks could kill, Jake would be dead by now."

He doesn't know what to say. "It looks as if I've already lost her", he manages at last, with difficulty.

She shakes her head. "You haven't. Not yet. I know my daughter. However, sooner or later, you will. To Jake, or someone like him. Do you have any idea how many guys are after her, at the hospital?"

He feels as if she's punched him in the gut. "How would I know? I hardly see her at the hospital. In fact, I hardly see her at all."

"And whose fault is that?" She asks, gently.

For a while, he doesn't say a thing and watches Zach place some sausages on the barbecue under Eli's instructions. "Look at Eli", he chuckles, "He's in his element. By the way, since we're on the topic of our private lives, you two seem to be stronger than ever?"

She stares at him. "Fitz! We're not talking about me and Eli, we're talking about you and my daughter…" Never one to beat around the bush, Maya presses on… " Look, Olivia would kill me if she knew I'm telling you this but… if it hadn't been for Zach, she'd have left Washington." She notices how pale he's become, and carries on, without sparing him. "Yes, Fitz, that's how hard she is finding it. But she won't leave, because that would be like abandoning Zach, and she doesn't want to do that. I mean, look at her. She's twenty three, she should be having fun, and enjoying herself, after all the traumas she went through, but she doesn't. Instead, she's hanging in there, trying to get over you, and failing, and all this because she's made a life-long commitment to a little boy she didn't even know six months ago. So yes, she hurt you terribly when Josh died, yes, she should have helped you through it just as you helped her, but you know what? She's racked with guilt over it, she can't forgive herself, and she's changed. So, will you please get off your high horse, and go and get her back. Oh, and please, don't give me that crap about the age gap. Yes, it's big, yes it might cause problems down the road, so what? You didn't seem to think it was an issue when Josh was alive, so why now? Would you rather stay as you are, miserable and lonely basically, for the next ten or twenty years, or take a shot at happiness? Because if you don't, in a month, six months, a year from now, you'll be left behind and watch her be swept off her feet by someone else. As she deserves to be. And you'll only have yourself to blame for it."

She stops, having run out of steam, she stunned herself by her outburst. He's stunned too: it was almost intimidating, with her brutal honestly being delivered in such a low, controlled voice, through clenched teeth.

But before he can say anything, Eli is standing over them. "Everything OK, you two?" His eyes move back and forth between them, very watchful. Maya gets up and wraps her arms around his waist. "Everything's fine. We were just talking about… I'll tell you later. Shall we make a move baby? It's getting late."

He acquiesces, with a worried look towards Fitz, who's obviously very shaken. "Fitz? Are you OK?"

He nods. And is about to go and talk to Olivia – he doesn't know what he'll say to her, anything, just something, he just needs to stand close to her right now, but he can't. She too is leaving – it is getting late - but not alone.

With Jake.


	20. Chapter 20

Soooooooo... I was going to save this one till tomorrow morning, but after reading some of your replies re. Jake- I mean Joke, I had to put you's lot out of your misery...

Part 20

At last all the guests have gone, and he's alone with Zach, clearing up the mess, chatting with him about this eventful day, all the time desperately trying not to think about Jake's hand on Olivia's elbow as they're leaving his house. He doesn't know whether he's giving her a lift or inviting her back to his house. With Poppy around, probably not, but who knows. The thought is torturing him.

And as the evening wears on, he notices that Zach is getting increasingly silent. Not withdrawn, thoughtful, rather. He tucks him into bed, but as he's about to switch off the lights after one last hug, Zach calls out to him.

"Fitz?"

"Mmm?"

"What does it mean, to fancy someone?"

Oh boy. Here we go, he thinks, one of those grown up talks Zach always seems to want when I'm feeling exhausted. Plus, Eli is due back soon to bring me these papers I really need to look at tonight before tomorrow's ops… For a few seconds he is tempted to go and pick up the phone which is ringing insistently downstairs and considers brushing Zach off gently with a promise to talk about it tomorrow, but something tells him that he shouldn't.

So he lets the phone ring, and sits back next to Zach on the bed. Still, he stalls a bit. "Why do you ask?"

"Poppy said her dad fancies Olivia. And I don't know what that means."

Oh God, not this, not now… "Zach… it's hard to explain. It means really liking them, and wanting to give them cuddles and kisses, and to be with them. But not like you do with your child, or with your mum and dad. It's different."

Zach stiffens. "So it's a bad thing, then", he says flatly.

Fitz goes very still. Careful, he tells himself, be very, very careful about what you say now. "Why, Zach? Why is it bad?", he asks gently, having an inkling of Zach's answer, and dreading it already.

"Because Tom, in the camp, he wanted to give me cuddles and kisses, and I hated it."

It's the first time Zach has ever mentioned Tom to him, and it's a measure of his growing trust in their father-son relationship that he feels able to do so.

"Zach… when a grown-up fancies a kid, it's very, very bad. But when two grown-ups fancy each other, it's not bad. In fact, it's very nice. You'll see." Fitz manages to say through his painfully tight throat.

Zach doesn't look convinced. He shakes his head. "I don't want Jake to fancy Olivia. And I don't want Olivia to fancy Jake", he says stubbornly.

Again, he knows what Zach is going to say, and is dreading it, and yet he asks: "Why not? If… if it makes her happy to fancy Jake", he forces himself to go on, "why don't you want her to?"

Zach looks away. "Because I want her to fancy you", he whispers.

Fitz closes his eyes, briefly. "Zach… look…"

"_I_ _know_." Zach cuts him off, looking at him this time. "Olivia explained it. She said she didn't know whether we could ever be a family. But that's not like she said she was _sure_, right?"

"That's right, Zach, but…"

"So I thought maybe, _one_ _day_… but if she fancies Jake, and he fancies her… it will never happen…" His chin is trembling, but he seems determined not to cry.

He doesn't know what to say to comfort him. "Zach… I'm sorry, I really am. Sometimes, you really, really want something, and you can't get it, and I know how hard it is… but after a while, it gets easier, it doesn't hurt as much, you'll see." He can hear how inadequate his words are. So, he simply cups Zach's cheek with his hand, and kisses him on his forehead. "I love you, Zach."

When he leaves Zach's bedroom a long while later, he's feeling as if he's been put through the mill. First Maya, then Zach, and seeing Olivia so relaxed, so joyful with Jake… unthinkingly, he pushes Josh's door open. I must stop thinking of it as Josh's bedroom, he thinks, he's gone, He. Is. Gone. He can see the boxes, still stacked up in the far corner, the dismantled bed against the wall… and begins to shake.

The doorbell rings, forcing him to get himself under control. That'll be Eli with those papers. I have to go and let him in…

Heavily, slowly, he makes his way downstairs, and opens the door. "Eli, thanks for…"

The words die on his lips.

When Eli rang to tell her that he was on call, and that the hospital had phoned him in because of an emergency, and could she please do him a favour and drop those papers off at Fitz's, she realised she didn't have a choice. She didn't really want to do it though. She had become aware throughout the day that Jake was attracted to her, and had to let him down gently when he insisted that she stay at his house for dinner that evening. She's not really interested, but it's the first time in ages a man like him –handsome, successful, and obviously a very decent person – has made it crystal clear to her that she is desirable, attractive, and has a lot to offer, not just for fun and thoughtless sex, but for something solid, deep and meaningful. She is flattered, but at the same time she can't help comparing his behaviour to Fitz's – Fitz who obviously wants to stay away from her as much as possible, who couldn't even be bothered to talk to her on the phone when Zach invited her to his sports day, who didn't even react when she went off with Jake. So frankly, she'd much rather spend some time at home, by herself, quietly, than face him. She tried to phone him to ask when was a convenient time to bring the papers round, but he didn't pick up the phone. Might as well go now, she thinks, in and out, get it over with….

He's opened the door at last, and he is now staring at her as if he is seeing a ghost. She can't help feeling nervous. "Dad asked me to drop by and give you this, he was called in by the hospital and couldn't come", she blurts out, thrusting the papers into his hands.

"Oh. OK." He sounds very awkward, not particularly pleased to see her, so she turns away from him. "Well, I'd better be off, then", she says.

"Olivia! Wait. Would you… would you like to come in?"

She takes a proper look at him. His face is drawn, there are deep lines on either side of his mouth, and his eyes are very tired.

"Fitz, are you OK", she is feeling concerned.

"It's been a long day", he smiles weakly. "Look, why don't you come in", he repeats.

"OK" She walks past him. "You don't mind if I go up to use the bathroom, do you? I'll be right back."

He waits for her in the living room, struggling to get a grip on his feelings, aware of how dry his mouth is, how unsteady his hands are… come on, he tells himself, you're being given this chance, don't blow it. Do it, do it tonight, that way, whatever happens, you'll know where you stand…

He's lost in his thoughts, and doesn't hear her come back.

"_Fitz_?" She asks hesitantly.

He looks up at her from the sofa, questioningly. There's an odd expression on her face.

"Fitz… Josh's bedroom door was open… I couldn't help noticing all the boxes, and his cot. Look, I could take them to the charity shop myself if you want. I know you're very busy."

He shakes his head. "It's not that", he whispers. "I mean, it's not because I'm busy."

He knows that if he utters one more word, he'll lose it, and he doesn't want to do that, not in front of her, so he stops. But she is aware –even though he himself isn't – of how bleak he looks and sounds. "Fitz, what's wrong?" She asks gently. Still he won't say anything. "You know", she says tiredly, "I was really hoping that however awkward things have been between us lately, you could trust me enough by now to talk to me about things. That you'd know I'd always be here to listen." She pauses. "I guess I was wrong. I'd better go", she finishes in a broken voice.

She's almost reached the door, when his voice –almost unrecognizable with grief- stops her. "I can't give those boxes away. I just can't." She turns around: he's losing his composure, in fact, he's slowly crumbling before her eyes. Without even thinking about it, she goes and sits next to him, and takes him in her arms. He collapses against her. She can barely make his words out. "I can't bear it, Liv, I can't bear that he's gone forever, that… that we'll never see him grow up, we'll never take him to the park, we'll never have school sports day with him… I… it'll be his birthday next month and we'll never celebrate that with him and I'm dreading it… I… I can't give those boxes away because that would mean accepting he's gone and I can't, I just can't…"

For a long, long time, he lets it all out, he tells all that he's been needing to tell her for months but couldn't, and she sits there, without saying anything, just holding him, rubbing his back, letting her own tears flow, not for herself, but for him.

At last he stops, drained of strength and energy. "How do you cope, Liv", he whispers, raising his head to look at her, his face wet with tears. "Day in, day out? I mean… how do you do it?"

She strokes his cheek. "Same as you, I suppose. Some days I wake up, and my first thoughts are for him, and it's so hard I can barely get out of bed. Or I'll be in taking a break at work, and for some reason, I think of him, and I start crying and I'll have to force myself to finish my shifts… Other days, it's more manageable. I tell myself I have things, people, to live for. My work. My dad, my mum. My friends" She stops, and then adds, softly: "And Zach. I feel so grateful to have him in my life, to have him to love... you know."

He nods, unable to speak. For a while, they don't say anything. But then she realises that she's still holding him, and that their bodies fit as well together as she remembers. She doesn't want to break this moment, but she also knows she couldn't stand to have him move away from her, and thank her in that formal tone of his, and tell her that he's sorry he lost control, and glad they talked, but that it's getting late and perhaps it's time to call it a day and he'll see her at the hospital on Monday… So, she gets up, preempting him. "Look, I really had better go. You'll be OK, you'll see."

He won't let go of her hand, though. "No, Liv… _please_. _I_… there's more. _Please_?"

Reluctantly, she comes back to sit next to him. "Liv…I know for a fact that your dad isn't on call this weekend. And maybe he sent you over with those papers so that he could have the whole evening with your mum, without having to come here, but somehow, I don't think that's why. _I_ _think_…" He swallows, his mouth very dry again, unable to look at her… "I think he wanted to throw the two of us together tonight because… so that… I could finally tell you how I feel and…"

This is it, he tells himself, if you say it, there's no going back… he turns to face her, fully, and looks at her face taut with anticipation, her eyes, her parted lips. "You see… those boxes, Josh' bed… if I give them away, it means that it's completely over between us, that there's no chance of us ever…"

That he can't say, not yet, it's too soon. But Olivia won't let him prevaricate. "No chance of us what, Fitz?", she pleads.

He takes a deep breath. "I want to have another a child with you", he whispers, "I want to know what it'd be like to have you tell me with joy and trust, right from the beginning, that you're expecting my baby… I want to see you get bigger and bigger from day one, I want to go to all the scans… I want to be there when you feel him or her move for the first time… I want to go to sleep with my hand on your stomach and feel our baby move… I want you to get mad at me at two in the morning because I forgot to buy some chocolate ice cream… I want to hold a child of ours in my arms again, and to see them grow up and smile, and laugh… I want us to be a proper family, with Zach, and to give him a brother or sister, and…"

She's pulling away from him and jumps to her feet. "_Why_?", she asks, almost harshly. "Why, Fitz? Because our baby died and you can't get over it, so having another baby would make you feel better? Because Zach is desperate for us to be together and you would do anything to make him happy? Is that why?"

He stares at her, aghast, and jumps to his feet too. "Of course not! How could you think that?!"

"Then why, Fitz?!"

He can't believe she would need to ask. "But… but because I love you! Why else?! I mean, what do you think, that you're nothing to me but a baby carrier?! For God's sake, Olivia… I don't just want any child, with any woman, I want to have a child with you, because I love you. And if you don't want to have a child again, fine, it'll be hard, but fine. At the end of the day, what matters the most to me is you!"

He sighs. "Liv", he carries on, more calmly, "I'm getting older, I'm tired of fighting my feelings for you all the time, I just want… I want to wake up with you every day and know that I'll see you back home after work and that we'll help Zach with his homework together and have dinner with him, and maybe watch a movie all together… I don't want to torture myself with thoughts of you and another man and imagine what it could have been like between us if only I'd had the courage to tell you how I felt… I want to make love with you knowing that you love me as much as I love you and that it's OK if I end up begging you for it… I want to…"

He can't go on: she's started crying, long, deep sobs. "_Liv_…_please_, don't cry, I can't bear to see you cry… come here…." He wraps her in his arms and holds her against him, so tightly that she must find it painful. But she doesn't seem to mind. "I thought you'd never say it", she gulps, "I thought you'd keep saying you _want_ me or _need_ me, but not that you love me, like in Ghana, and I couldn't cope with that…"

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry it took me so long to get there… I'll say it to you every day, I promise… every day Livvie…."

She looks at him, eyes swollen, not quite believing yet that they've finally got there. "Fitz, about what happened after Josh died… have you really forgiven me for it? Because if you haven't, deep down, then there's no point. Because one day, we'll have a row, all couples do… and I can't bear the thought that you could throw it back to my face." She swallows. "Please, Fitz", she whispers, "you have to be honest with me on this, and with yourself."

He starts stroking her face, gently, tenderly. "It's not about me forgiving you, Olivia… it's about us forgiving each other for everything. I mean… sure, I needed you, and you couldn't be there for me… and it nearly killed me... but… for a long time, before Josh's birth I wasn't there for you either! Let's face it, it's not as if I had given you many reasons to trust me, _right_? Plus, I know all too well what it's like to retreat into oneself, when your grief is just too awful to bear... I did it to my own daughter, when Mellie died- And then I judged you so unfairly when you did the same thing to me..."

She doesn't look convinced. "Liv… we hurt each other in many ways, very deeply. But we still love each other, and we still want to be with each other. That's the important thing. Isn't it? _Liv_, _isn't_ _it_?" he pleads, with desperation in his voice.

He looks at her intently, as if he's never seen her properly before, and slowly, ever so slowly, she nods and begins to smile past the tears pooled in her eyes. She raises herself up on her feet, and starts kissing him, so deeply, so probingly, that he can feel his desire for her surge through his body. And so can she. But she pulls away from him. "Fitz… I love you, and I want you so much... but… not tonight, OK? I… we both need time, I think."

He kisses her nose. "You're right." Her phone is ringing. "You'd better get that."

She looks at the screen, and smiles at him. "Dad, hi…how did your op go", she asks innocently, with a twinkle in her eyes. "_What_? Well, you know, your op… didn't you have to… go to the hospital in an emergency? _Right_… good, glad it went well. Patient OK then?" Fitz starts laughing, imagining Eli's face on the other side of the line, and she's struggling not to give the game away. "Don't worry Dad, I gave those papers to Fitz. Where am I now? _Oh_ , in his arms. _Hey_, no need to shout, you're splitting my eardrums… yes, in his arms Dad." She says, chokingly, "Dad, thanks. For everything."

She disconnects the call and smiles at Fitz radiantly. "Well, he's feeling rather chuffed. He'll be unbearably smug for the next few weeks, you realise that right?"

"_Yep_. Liv… I want to spend as much time with you as possible… and we'll have to tell Zach at some point, and sort out living arrangements, and…" She cuts him off with a finger on his lips. "_Shhshh…_ there's plenty of time for that. Zach doesn't need to know anything right away, let's just enjoy each other for now, shall we?"

As Olivia's cab pulls into the driveway, Zach creeps back upstairs, gripped in a whirlwind of emotions.


	21. Chapter 21

Hopefully I should have another part for you tonight, but in the meantime here's a little filler for you...

Part 21

He doesn't know what to think. He'd woken up again, one of those nightmares, he doesn't have as many now but when they come they're pretty bad. And Fitz wasn't coming in, so he went downstairs to get a glass of water, he can do that now, Fitz showed him where the glasses are. And then he saw that Olivia was there, and he was going to run to her and say hi, but then he stopped and sat on the steps, because Olivia was talking to Eli on the phone about papers and a patient, and she was standing in Fitz's arms, and putting her fingers on his lips, and saying that he, Zach, didn't need to know anything. So, what's happening then? Maybe they're back to being friends. That'd be nice, at least that way they could do things together, the three of them, like in Ghana. But it's weird because he's friends with Poppy and she doesn't stand in his arms. Or, maybe they've decided for sure that they won't make a family together and they don't want to tell him because they know he'll be upset… but he knows already; Jake fancies Olivia, and one day Fitz will fancy some other woman and that woman will fancy him too because he looks so nice, especially when he dresses up with a tie to go to work, he knows that, even if he doesn't like it one bit.

He really hates it when people do that, when they say that kids don't need to know. He _needs_ to know.

Between having the nightmare and then worrying about Fitz and Olivia all night, he hasn't had much sleep, so he's really tired and sleepy, but now it's morning and it's time to get up, and there's a weird sound coming from the bathroom, so he goes to look, to invesgitake, or investigate, or something like that. It's Fitz, he's shaving, and he's whistling. But Fitz _never_ whistles, ever! He loves watching him shave, he does it so neatly, one day when he is a grown-up he too will shave, but it sounds annoying to have to do it every day. But Fitz said in that case he could grow a beard. He's not sure he wants to do that, when Fitz doesn't shave, on Saturdays and Sundays, he feels rough when he kisses you. But today is Sunday, so why he is shaving? And why is he whistling?

"_Fitz_."

"Oh, you're up. Good. Let's go and have some breakfast. Then we can talk about…"

"Fitz, it's Sunday, why are you shaving?"

Why is Fitz looking at him as if he's said something really smart? "And good morning to you, Zach. Well… because I was thinking that today, maybe we could go for a walk, and then lunch in a restaurant. It's better to shave if you go out and see people."

That's silly, they've done stuff out before on Sundays and Fitz didn't shave. "Zach…" Fitz sounds gentle, maybe he's guessed he's feeling weird. "Zach… would it be OK if Olivia came with us?"

Would it be OK? _Would_ _it_ _be_ _OK_?! It gives him a strange feeling in his stomach, he doesn't want to be too happy, because if he is too happy he's going to hope to have that wonderful dream again- the three of them, as a family; but both Fitz and Olivia said it wouldn't happen, so he can't start dreaming about it again, so he'll say yes, it's OK, and that'll be it.

It's hard though because now they're walking in the woods, and talking, and laughing, and he just wants to run and shout he's so happy, but he doesn't, instead, he walks calmly with them, like a grown-up. He can see that they're not holding hands or anything like that, but when they bump into each other, they don't move away quickly like people do. It's all so confusing, it's like having grown-up thoughts and seeing grown-up things but you don't really understand what's going on.

It's OK though, he'll have the biggest ice-cream at the restaurant. That will make him feel better and at least then he can show some of his excitement.

**3** **weeks** **later**

Zach has gone to bed, and they're lingering in the kitchen. They've taken to doing that a lot in the last few weeks, going on outings with Zach, and having diner, the three of them, at his house. They haven't told much to Zach, just that they wanted to do things with him, like in Ghana. Much to their surprise, he didn't show much of a reaction.

She is looking out to the garden, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings, he is looking at her profile, beautiful in the fading light. How could I ever think that I wouldn't miss this, us, the two of us, together, he tells himself. She's drawing the best out of me, making me a better person. I'm less impatient, more relaxed, more tolerant of others when I'm with her… He is loathe to disrupt this moment of peaceful and companionable silence, but there's something on his mind, and he needs to bring it out into the open.

"_Livvie_."

She turns to look at him, with a contented smile, and for a few seconds he's tempted to leave it. No, he thinks, do it, otherwise we'll both fall back into our old pattern of not talking about the tough things….

He clears his throat. "Liv, I… you know I love you, right?"

Her smiles widens. "Well, you've told me a few times today when Zach was out of earshot, so yes, I know. _Why_?"

"And you love me, right?"

She's puzzled. "Sure. I've told you a few times too. Fitz, what's wrong?"

He doesn't know how to say it in a roundabout way, and at the same time he's feeling shy and insecure. Best to jump into it. He takes a deep breath. "So why do we always do things with Zach? Why don't you ever want to spend proper time with me alone? Why don't you want… why don't you want to… _to_ _be_, well, _to_ _have_…"

Her smile has gone. "You mean, to have sex", she says flatly.

He stiffens. "No, actually. What I meant to say, is, why are we not making love?"

The silence in the room is no longer peaceful or companionable: it's tense, wary, difficult. She's no longer looking restful: she's staring at him, with fear and defensiveness in her eyes. He leans over towards her, across the table. "Livvie", he says softly, "don't shut me out. Don't make the mistake of assuming that I won't understand. _Please_ _I_… I want you, and it's hard at the moment because every time we get close, you push me away. Sometimes literally. If you need more time, that's fine, I can understand that. But I need to know that it's the reason. That you still want me, but that you need time."

She's about to say something but he doesn't see it, because suddenly he can't bring himself to look at her, crushed by his own insecurities. "Look, Liv, if… if you no longer desire me, if you think we can't rekindle that part of our relationship… you have to tell me."

"_Oh Fitz_, why would you think that?" She can't believe that he would think that, and that she could have been so insensitive not to be aware of it.

"Why not Liv, I'm twenty five years older than you and… I know it didn't make a difference to you before but maybe it does now, _I mean…_" He shrugs, feeling a bit afraid, a bit powerless really. Vulnerable.

"I'm sorry", she whispers, "I'm so sorry. It's not that at all, _it's…_" Her chin is beginning to tremble. "I want you so much, Fitz, and I'm scared that if we spend a lot of time together, _alone_, if… if we keep hugging and kissing, then we'll end up in bed _and_…" She can't carry on. All she can do is look at him and see how bewildered he looks.

"But why would that be a problem, Liv? Why?"

For a long time, she can't say anything. Then finally, eyes brimming with tears, she confesses it all. "Because next week, it would have been his first birthday… and in a few weeks, it's the first anniversary of his death, and I can't bear the prospect of going through all this… and I feel so incredibly guilty for wanting you, and being happy with you, even though he's gone, _and_…"

She's crying openly now, and it's breaking his heart. He goes around the table and kneels in front of her and grabs her hands in his. "Oh sweetheart… it's OK, it's OK, I understand… it's OK."

He lifts her up to her feet and settles her onto the sofa, safely ensconced in his arms.

"Fitz, I don't think I can go through the next few weeks, I…."

"We will Liv, _together_, we will… You'll see. We'll get through those days and weeks together. And then after, when we're ready, we can refocus on us, we'll work it all out… I love you Livvie", he whispers with a heavy heart.


	22. Chapter 22

Part 22

The thing with listening to grown-ups having grown-up chats without them knowing, is that OK, it means you get to find out about the things they won't tell you, but then it gives you a sick feeling in your stomach, like you really shouldn't know about those things.

The other night, he crept downstairs. They'd had such a nice day, they'd been in the forest and seen some nice birds and squirrels, and then they'd had a picnic, and it was a lot of fun. Then he went to bed. He knew Olivia was staying a bit, so he couldn't sleep because he was excited about her being here with Fitz, so he went downstairs, he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. And then he wished he hadn't done it, because they were talking about having sex and making love, and that's definitely grown up talk. He doesn't really understand it, but due to this older kid at school he now knows the word sex has something to do with the word "_screwing_". The other day, this kid said that his mum and her new boyfriend were doing that a lot, and he was sniggering about it, and it sounded really dirty, and it reminded him of Tom in the camp. So, he doesn't want to think about Fitz and Olivia doing it.

And then, a week after hearing Fitz and Olivia talk about that stuff, he had another fight at school, with this same kid, his name is Mark, he's 11, and he keeps laughing at him and calling him names. He doesn't mind it, he pretends he isn't listening, but this time, Mark was going on, and on, and on about Fitz not being his real dad. All the time he kept thinking about what Olivia had told him, that Fitz is a real dad to him even though he didn't make him with his small seed, but then Mark said "do you really think your dad will want you around, now that he's got a floozy to keep him happy?" He didn't know that word, _floozy_, but he pretended he knew and didn't care, but Mark wasn't fooled because he said "_yeah, y' know_, this Olivia girl… my mum says it's disgusting, an old man like him, screwing a girl young enough to be his daughter, she's kind of fit though…"

He was so angry, it felt as if a red curtain was coming down his eyes, and all he could do was jump on Mark and beat him with his fists, if one of the teachers had seen it he'd have been in real trouble. He got a bruise on his cheek and when Fitz asked him what happened after school he lied and said he'd fallen over running in the playground. Fitz didn't ask more questions, which was weird, because usually he asks lots of questions about school. But he looked so upset that day, _so_, _so_, _so_ upset. So, it wasn't the time to ask him about _floozies_. And Olivia was very sad too. The day he had that fight, Fitz wasn't working, and Olivia wasn't working either, and she was at the house when he came back from school (Annie's mum had dropped him off), and her eyes were red, red like they were when she said goodbye to him in Ghana. So that means she had been crying, then.

So, he didn't say anything about the fight at school, and the bit about the floozy, because he didn't want to upset them more, so instead he went to give her a big hug and went up to his room.

That was seven weeks ago. He knows, because he's been counting days on the calendar again, since that day, which was the 12th of July. And since then, he's really wanted to ask, but he can't, because Fitz looks sad. And OK, he smiles at him, and does stuff with him and gets him ready for school, and reads stories, but you can tell, he's sad. The only good thing these days is that Olivia is spending much more time with the two of them, and she hugs Fitz a lot, and Fitz hugs her too, and he often gives her a special little smile. And he knows that a lot of the time, when he goes to bed, she stays around with Fitz, and they talk, whereas before she would go home. But he doesn't creep downstairs anymore.

Yesterday, Fitz said that today he and Olivia, and Eli and Maya would take the day off, and Quinn too, and get together to remember Josh, because today is one year since he died. He said they'd all go to the cemetery and think about Josh, and then come back to the house to have a bit of food. He said –he can remember the words exactly-"Olivia and I would really like you to be there, Zach, because we love you, and… and because we would have loved for you to know Josh, but you don't have to. If you don't want to be there, I can arrange for you to spend the afternoon at Annie's, or Poppy's, or Ben's."

Of course he wanted to be there. So now he is standing next to Fitz with the others at the cemetery, in front of a tiny, tiny stone which looks like it's a rectangle. It's called a grave, Maya explained it to him. There's something written on it, in gold letters Josh Pope-Grant, 12/07/2015-30/08/2015. He recognises the date 12/07, he's learnt to read dates that way as well, and it's July 12th, it's the same day he had that fight at school, except a year before. He wasn't sure what the dates meant on the stone, so he asked Maya when he first saw the grave, he knew he couldn't really ask Fitz or Olivia. And Maya said it meant Josh was born on July 12 and died on August 30. She sounded like she couldn't talk properly, like there was something stuck in her throat. So the day he had the fight with Mark about Olivia being a floozy, that was the day Josh would have been one years old. Maybe that's why Fitz and Olivia were so sad that day.

He's thinking about all this, trying to figure it all out, but then he realises that Fitz is gripping his hand so hard it almost hurts, so he looks up, and he feels as if everything stops moving. Because Fitz is crying. And he isn't making a noise, he isn't even shaking his shoulders, he isn't even sniffing with his nose, he's just standing there, very straight, very tall, and the tears keep coming, and coming, and coming.

He can't stand Fitz crying, because if Fitz cries, it's like… it feels as if he's almost like a kid, because kids cry. And OK, Olivia cries, and she's always protected him from bad stuff, and she isn't a kid, she's definitely a grown-up. But with Fitz, it's hard to explain, it's… different. It's like when his other dad, back in Rwanda, cried a lot because his little sister had died. He started crying, and crying, and crying, and his uncles and aunts kept saying "pull yourself together, be a man", and they didn't say it to his mum, only his dad, but his dad couldn't stop crying, and it all went to pieces. You couldn't really talk to him about stuff anymore, and then the bad men came to their house and killed his mum, and his brothers, and his dad couldn't do anything and they killed him too. He got lucky because he was in another village with some other family that day.

The thing is, he doesn't know what to do to make Fitz stop crying. He loves him so much it hurts sometimes, and he'd do anything for him, but he's just a kid, and he doesn't know what to do now. He can see that Eli is moving closer, but then, suddenly, Olivia comes on the other side of Fitz. She has tears in her eyes, but she's really calm, and she puts her arms around Fitz, and just stands there, holding him but it doesn't look as if it's working because Fitz is still crying. And then Olivia whispers something, and because he's so close he can hear it. She keeps saying "it's OK, Fitz, it's OK, it's OK…." So maybe it's OK if a grown-up man cries then. He'll have to ask her.

And now they're back at the house, trying to eat, even Quinn's not laughing and making jokes like she usually does. She's giving him a plate with plenty of food on it and says "Zach, why don' t you go and give this to your old man, he looks like he really needs it."

He's feeling really weird, like he's watching himself do it from the other side of a window, he's jumping to his feet, and screaming: "_Fitz isn't old! Stop saying he's old!_"

They're all looking at him, with their mouths open like fish, and all he can do is run upstairs to his bedroom, and throw himself on his bed, and cry.

Quinn is flabbergasted: who would have thought that her innocuous suggestion would trigger such an explosion? She looks at Fitz pleadingly. "I'm so sorry, I have no idea what happened, I just…"

"Don't worry, Quinn", he's quick to reassure her. "I'll go and find out."

Olivia follows him out of the room. "Fitz, do you want me to come with you?"

He sighs. "I have a feeling it's not going to be easy… _God_, _today_ _of_ _all_ _days_…"

He looks and sounds so tired, so worn out, that her heart goes out to him. "Come on, let's go and talk to him, together."

Any flash of irritation and annoyance he felt at Zach's outburst just vanishes at the sight of him, curled up on his bed, his entire body racked with sobs, Josh's teddy bear pressed convulsively against his body.

He hasn't heard them, so they sit on the bed very gently, very quietly, so as not to startle him. "Zach", Fitz whispers, "Zach, what's wrong? What's happening?"

For a long time, Zach is crying too hard to say anything. All his repressed anxieties and anger of the last few weeks are coming out, and he's powerless to do anything about it. All he can do is cry, and burrow against Fitz's chest and grip Olivia's hand as tight as he can. They murmur words of endearment, stroke his back, help him blow his nose, waiting for him to tell them whatever it is that has been bothering him. They've been aware for weeks that there's something wrong, they've both tried, separately, to talk to him about it, but to no avail, but they sense that tonight he will finally open up, and they have all the time in the world.

His cries subside. "Zach", Olivia says gently, "Zach, we both love you very much, and we want to help you. We're not cross with you, Quinn isn't cross with you… we just want to know what's wrong."

He doesn't know where to start. He feels as if the words are rushing out, in no particular order. He is ashamed at his behaviour, and scared that they will get cross if he tells them all that's on his mind.

"You know, Zach", Fitz says, "when people say "your old man", it means "your dad." It's got nothing to do with being old, it just means that, "your dad." You didn't know that, did you?"

He shakes his head. "Right. Well, now you know. I'm your old man."

"But you're not old", Zach says defiantly.

"No, I'm not. Why are you…"

"And you're not too old", Zach cuts him off stubbornly.

"Too old for what, Zach?", Fitz asks patiently.

The little boy swallows. He can't bring himself to looking at either of them. "To…to screw Olivia."

They're stunned: by his crudity, not at all like him, by his directness, and by the depth of his problem. Before they can say anything, it all comes tumbling out, what the kid said at school, his worries about how exactly the two of them get on, whether they're having sex, and whether it's good or bad like the things Tom, back in the camp, did to him… his anguish at the cemetery when Fitz started crying, his fear that Olivia won't want to be with Fitz in the end because he's too old… everything.

Fitz remembers what Zach's therapist told him, in one of his meetings with her.

_"You have a very tough job to do, and a difficult few years ahead of you", she said. "Because of the abuse he has suffered, he's much more sexually aware than any child his age ought to be, but because he's just a child, and because he's deeply ashamed of what happened to him, he's terrified by his, and others', sexuality (yes, his too, Fitz: children are sexual beings, from birth, actually.) Particularly in those he loves, and I'm afraid you're top of the list. At the same time, he desperately needs certainty and reassurance. That's why he keeps counting days. The man who abused him, Tom…he used to come to Zach's dormitory every three days, on the clock. Oh, you didn't know that did you? Well, that's when Zach developed this habit. He needed to know when it… when it would happen, to prepare himself for it. And that's why he needs to know when things will happen, or how long ago they did happen. Add to this the trauma of losing his entire family, under those kinds of circumstances… That's also why, generally, he needs to know what goes on around him. So don't be surprised if he is fascinated by your…love life. Most kids are interested into what their parents get up to, but with him, it will be probably be unhealthily intense, and mixed up with fear, and a desperate need for certainty." "I have this complicated relationship with a woman, Olivia", he remembers saying. "Zach knows her well, he loves her very deeply in fact, and his dream is that we'll all be a happy family together. But I don't know whether we can make it and…" "I know about Olivia", she told him gently, "he talks about her and draws her a lot. Almost as much as you. And I know about his dream. All I can say is… if he asks you, be honest, but don't go into any detail, just make it clear that it's between you and Olivia, but that your love for him and Olivia's love for him has nothing to do with that. Your job is to reassure him, and to maintain the tight boundaries which Tom violated. That's what he needs, now and for years to come: reassurance and boundaries. Which is why it's going to be so tough on you. But if you, and Olivia, can do it, you're his best chance at overcoming all this." _

Great, he thinks now, holding Zach against him. And how exactly do I do that?

He opens his mouth, not sure what to say, needing to say something, anything to make sure Zach knows he's not angry. "_Zach_", he says gently, but quite firmly. "Listen to me. First of all, you don't use words like _'screw_'. They make it all sound bad and dirty, but it's not always like that. What Tom did in the camp was very, very bad. But when two grown-ups do it, and when they do it loving each other, it's not bad. That's why it's better to call it 'making love.' It's beautiful. In fact, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it's beautiful because… because it belongs to them, and only to them, you see?"

He clearly doesn't. Olivia looks at Fitz questioningly. _Go_ _for_ _it_, he tells her with his eyes. "_Zach, look_", she says. "Sometimes, you take your teddy into the garden with you and you talk to him, and you tell him things, and it's just between him and you, right? And Fitz and I- we don't ask you what you've told him. And it makes you feel nice to share these things with your teddy, and only with him, right? Well, when two grown up decide they love each other enough to make love –not to screw, Zach, but to make love, it's the same. They don't talk about it to other people, because it's their own thing. You see?"

He nods. He's still safely locked in Fitz's arms, but his eyes are glued to her face. "Good, Zach, that's good. So that's why we won't tell you whether we are making love. Because it belongs to us. All you need to know is that we love each other very, very much. But the most important thing is that we love you and that no matter what happens between us, whether or not we make love, whether or not we live together, we'll always be there for you. _Always_. And so…"

As she keeps talking, she's so focused on him that she doesn't look at Fitz once, and that she misses the expression on his face. He's never felt such a surge of love for her as he is feeling now – so powerful that it brings tears to his eyes. How do you do this, Olivia, how do you find the words so easily… I know they will reassure Zach only for a bit, that we're in this for the long haul, that there'll be times when he'll push at us to know exactly what's going on, that he won't be truly happy until we all live together here, which is a bit of a problem because you're not feeling quite ready for us to make love let alone for moving in… but at least, tonight, it's working, his breathing is slowing down, I can feel his body relax…

When she's done talking, Zach turns to him, with a deep, serious look in his eyes. He rubs his cheek against the little boy's thick and curly black hair, and rocks him gently. He doesn't need to say anything, all he needs to do is communicate in gestures what Olivia said in words.

She's exhausted. "Come on, tiger, you need to get some sleep, and I need to check on everyone else downstairs. So I'll leave you two to it."

As she's about to open the bedroom door, Zach speaks up "Is that how babies are made? When the two parents get their small seeds together to grow a baby, they do it by making love?"

This time Fitz answers him. "Yes, they do."

"Is that why Josh was so special?"

They look at each other, the pain of their loss slightly less acute somehow, but still… But there's no mistaken the worry in Zach's eyes. Olivia kneels in front of him and takes his hands in hers. "Yes, that's why. But there are other ways for a child to be special. You're very, very special to us too, even though we didn't make you the way we made Josh. OK?"

He nods, somewhat sleepily now, letting go of her hands. Before closing the door behind her, on her way downstairs, she takes a look at Fitz: be as long as you need to be, she tells him silently with her eyes, he's what matters tonight, you and I will have our time together. Soon.

They've all gone, the kitchen and dining room are spotless, and there's a note on the table; it's in Eli's handwriting.

_We thought it would take you a while to sort Zach out and that you'd probably want to be alone afterwards, so we cleaned everything up and let ourselves out. _

_And Maya and I want to say this – which I know I personally should have said a long time ago. I miss Josh terribly, we both do – more than we would have thought possible. Our only consolation is that he couldn't have wished for better parents. Same with Zach. Love to you both. _

_Eli and Maya_

_PS: Quinn says to tell Zach that he can come and watch a western movie with her any time. _

She places the note on the table, and for the first time since she got up this morning with the dreadful prospects of the memorial ahead of her, she allows herself to cry without holding back. Mum and Dad are right, she thinks, I've lost a son, but gained one in Zach… _Is that how Fitz sees it too?_ _Does he think that I am like a mother to Zach?_ She wonders… I really hope so…

Suddenly she isn't alone anymore. Fitz is standing behind her, taking her weight against him, wrapping her in his arms. After a while, she disengages herself from him and turns around. "Livvie", he whispers, "the way you've been, the last few weeks, and today… so many times I thought I couldn't go through with it all, but you were always there and… thanks. I couldn't have done it without you. Particularly with Zach tonight." He stops, feeling that his words are inadequate to convey the depth of his love and gratitude.

She smiles at him weakly and puts her fingers on his mouth. "I love you, Fitz, and I love him. That's all there is to it."

He kisses her gently. "Look. I've run you a bath… do you want to stay here tonight? I mean, I know you need more time, and anyway, I'm not good for anything except sleep tonight but would it be OK if…"

He's fumbling so badly, and is looking so sheepish, that she can't help laughing through her tears. "Yes. I'll stay here tonight, I'll even sleep, _as in sleep_, with you."

"Let's go upstairs then".


	23. Chapter 23

Part 23

He wakes up at 9am, alone: 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep… that hasn't happened in… he can't even remember. He can vaguely hear the sounds of Olivia's and Zach's voices in the kitchen, she seems to have things under control, so he'll treat himself to an other 10 minutes in bed… he hasn't felt so relaxed and rested in a long time. Olivia persuaded him to join her in the bath, they took it in turns to wash and dry each other, too worn out for anything to happen, just happy to take care of each other in those small, intimate ways. They fell asleep almost right away, and this time, didn't wake up in the middle of the night, didn't make love. They just slept.

Suddenly he has an urge to see them both, so he gets up, slips his dressing gown on, and makes his way to the kitchen, picking up the mail as he goes along. What a sight. Dishes everywhere, flour on the counter, the smell of chocolate in the air, and two of the three people he loves the most in the world ("I must call Karen this weekend, I haven't talked to her in ages") laughingly comparing their skin tones, arm to arm.

"Fitz, _look_, _look_, our skin is both like chocolate, but mine's a darker chocolate than Olivia's, _oh_, _oh_, and we made a chocolate cake too!"

Fitz chuckles... "Morning, my little chocolate fiends, I can see that you've both been very busy, in fact, I can smell it. It smells really good."

"It's for Quinn", Zach explains. "Well, only a bit of it- 'cause we'll eat the rest. Did you know, you have to make sure the yellow bit and the white bit of the eggs don't mix together, Olivia showed me, it's really ticky."

"You mean tricky", Olivia retorts with a laugh. "Hey you", she says softly to Fitz, going over to him for a hug. They both notice that Zach is pretending not to look on with interest and so they only make it a brief cuddle.

"_So_", Fitz turns to Zach, "shall we go for a walk this morning, and then take the cake– sorry, a bit of the cake- to Quinn's? And then maybe, a movie this afternoon if you want…"

Zach lights up. He's about to ask Olivia whether she'll come along, but she preempts him. "Good, well you two can drop me off at home then; I've got to run some errands and…"

"_But_, _Olivia_, _you've_ _got_ _to_…" Zach stops. He was about to say, you've got to stay with us tonight to eat the cake, but he remembers what they told him last night, that what they do together is their thing, and he has to accept that. "Maybe you should have a bit of the cake too, then", he says instead, bravely, "and you can eat it with Quinn..."

Fitz smiles. He's got a pretty good idea of what's going on through Zach's mind right now. "Tell you what, why don't we invite Olivia over for dinner, and we'll cook a special meal, you and I. What do you think?"

"With the special plates and the special napkins, and the special glasses?", he asks eagerly.

"Yes, of course, she's a very special guest, so we have to do things properly."

Zach nods seriously. "OK, so we'll eat in the dining room, then, not in the kitchen, and I'll put on my nice shirt and…"

Olivia bursts out laughing; "Hello, guys! Don't you want me to say whether I accept the invitation first?"

They both turn to look at her, with hope on their face, so different (Zach's smooth black skin compared to Fitz's fairer tones, the latter with a head full of hair sprinkled in greys, and the former with a short, black and curly afro) but yet, so alike in some ways (Zach promising to be tall, like Fitz, and both with large, expressional eyes…) How can she say no?

-x-

Quinn gives in to Zach's request that she eats the cake right away– her bit of the cake, she gravely notes Zach's not the best baker in the world- but pronounces it utterly delicious anyway. She doesn't mention Zach's outburst with her the night before but responds to his tight hug with fervor. After which Fitz takes Zach to the movies. If anyone had told me a few months ago that I'd be watching Disney Pixar's, the Good dinosaur with a seven-year-old little boy and enjoying it, I would have thought they were completely mad and wouldn't have dignified it with an answer, he tells himself ruefully… just goes to show.

Meanwhile, Olivia has begged off the movie on the grounds that they need some father-son special time together, and that she has a lot to do at home. Which includes (but that, she hasn't said) a full body and face massage by Quinn, shaving her legs, washing her hair, and an hour agonising over what to wear. She knows Zach and Fitz will go to some trouble over dinner and wants to look good for them. She also knows that tonight is the night.

She can't help feeling nervous, when she rings the doorbell: she still has her set of keys, but senses that tonight she shouldn't use them. Zach opens the door and remains dumbstruck. He looks nice in his grey trousers and midnight blue shirt, but she looks stunning. He's always seen her in her nursing clothes, or jeans and a top, but never in going-out clothes, and he can't believe how beautiful she is. To him, her dress - short, dark red, beautifully cut – looks almost intimidating. To Fitz, who's just appeared in the corridor, who has also made a sartorial effort, and whose mouth goes dry at the sight of her, it's the promise of things to come later tonight.

Zach takes her handbag off her and leads her to the dining room. "So, what are we having for dinner?", she asks with a smile.

Fitz clears his throat. "Well, Zach wanted to treat you to things he can cook entirely by himself– except for the cake of course. So, we're having… _Zach_?"

"Jacket potatoes and salad", Zach announces proudly. "And I set the table, and cut the potatoes, and did the dressing, and I also grated some cheese for the potatoes."

She looks at the table, the fine china plates, the silver cutlery, the beautiful glasses, somewhat set askance, the slightly misplaced embroided napkins, the candles waiting to be lit but not entirely straight in the candlesticks…

She looks at Fitz: sorry, his expression says, you were probably expecting something more… sophisticated, but…

She smiles at him, and then at Zach, dazzingly, more touched by this than by an invitation to a five star restaurant. "This is perfect", she says with a contented sigh, "just perfect."

And so it is. The jacket potatoes are perfectly cooked ("Fitz got them out of the oven", Zach points out, "I'm not allowed to do that"), the cheese perfectly grated, the salad perfectly crispy… as for the cake, well there was much left to be desired… but in its own special way, it's all perfect in her eyes.

They chat about things, as they've always done. Now that they've started eating, Zach relaxes and is his usual talkative self, and enthusiastically tells her about the movie and Quinn's face when she realised they'd baked a cake for her… But whereas he has forgotten how beautiful Olivia looks tonight, Fitz hasn't, far from it. He can hardly take his eyes off her, and at times struggles to carry on with the conversation.

After dinner, Zach insists on clearing the table and placing the dishes into the dishwasher. He knows he'll have an extra hour tonight before bedtime, and he wants to make the most of it. So, they read stories, the three of them, and she is dragging it on a bit, because she's tense about being alone with Fitz after... but finally, it's time for Zach to go to bed. Fitz takes him upstairs. "I'll be right back", he whispers to her.

When he comes back, after what seems to him an eternity, and to her a mere second, she is by the window and looking at the garden in the dusk. He goes and stands right behind her. "_Livvie_". His voice is husky, deep, as it always is in those moments. "Have I told you how fantastic you look tonight?"

She turns to face him. He's discarded his tie and rolled up his sleeves… She smiles. "Well, I was getting tired of my old jeans…"

"_Hey_ _now_, don't be too hard on them, you look very sexy in them by the way. _But_ _this_… my goodness." He can see the tension on her face. "Livvie, is everything OK?"

She swallows. Sometimes, there's a time and place to be hesitant, to say things in a roundabout way, and not betray exactly how you are feeling, but tonight, she thinks there is also a time and place to be straight forward and brave in expressing what it is you really want and feel. So, she does… "_I_ _want_ _you_", she states bluntly.

His eyes widen, he's about to tease her, and finds that he can't. Without a word, he lifts her hand to his mouth, kisses it, and leads her to his – or what used to be their–bedroom. _Take_ _things_ _slowly_, he tells himself on their way up, desperately trying to remain in control, feeling every inch of her body as it brushes against his, we have all the time in the world, it's taken her a while to get to that point, so don't rush it… let her set the pace.

Twenty minutes later, they're lying in each other arms, struggling to catch their breath, slick with sweat, still intimately joined. "So much for not rushing it", he chuckles.

"What?"

He looks at her sheepishly. "Well, you know, when we were going up the stairs I kept saying to myself don't rush it, take things slowly…"

She laughs. "And I was telling myself the exact same thing…"

They don't say anything for a while. "Livvie. I love you. We… we're stronger now than we were before, right?"

She twists around to take a better look at him. "Yes, we are, of course we are." She pauses, and adds, with a catch in her voice: "Largely thanks to Zach."

"Adopt him with me", he blurts out, noting how surpised she looks. "I'm sorry, this isn't the time to discuss this, this time is for us, I shouldn't have… look, don't worry about it, I…"

"Yes", she cuts him off. "If he agrees, I'll do it."

"Are you sure?", he asks, not daring to believe it. "Are you absolutely sure? It's such a big commitment and…"

"Fitz, I love him like a son. He is my son."

He draws her back to him, with a deep sigh. "_Good_. We'll ask him in the morning then. Now, about us taking things slowly…"

After hours of making languorous and passionate love to one another, neither one of them can decipher where their body begins and the other ends… Physically, as well as emotionally they are linked as one; their hearts, souls, minds and their bodies forever forged in love. She looks radiant, glowing in the aftermath of his ardent touch, both feeling satisfied in all the ways that truly matters, so much so, they find they are lost for words to describe just how amazing this feels. _Finally_. It has not been an easy journey getting here, they have been though a great deal of pain and sorrow, but now, the two of them cannot be more grateful to have this second chance, not only to experience love at these new splendid heights, but to get a second chance to live their lives to the full, with no more fear or regrets getting in the way.

As, long as they have each other; united- they know, they can face whatever life decides to throw at them.

**Six** **months** **later**

Olivia and Fitz are making dinner, and he's drawing in the living room. It's going to be a happy drawing, because he's feeling happy. Olivia came to live with them a few months ago – 185 days, he's counting them, although sometimes he forgets, so he has to start again from the beginning, but that's OK, he doesn't feel as bad about forgetting to count days now.

It's so nice that she doesn't have to go back home after dinner now. Sometimes, when he has a nightmare, she comes to stay with him in his bedroom until he goes back to sleep. He doesn't have them as much now, but when he does they're really bad, and she reads him stories and lets him tell her about them.

She and Fitz don't fight. Well, OK, sometimes they get annoyed with each other, because Fitz works late more, and Olivia leaves her things lying around, but they don't fight, not like Ben's mum and dad. But they don't keep kissing each other and holding hands like Annie's mum and dad either. She sleeps in Fitz's bedroom, he knows that, but he doesn't think too much about it. Well, that's not true, he does, a bit, but he tells the counsellor about it, and about Tom in the camp, and it makes him feel less anxious – she used that word, "anxious", it means worried and scared at the same time. He is slowly learning to understand that he can feel really good about Olivia living with them, and that he can be allowed to feel that way and not be anxious about the other stuff at the same time.

The day Olivia came to live with them, after breakfast, Fitz said they wanted to have a chat with him, he sounded really serious. So, he got worried that something bad was happening. But it wasn't something bad at all, it was something so, so, so amazing… Fitz wanted to ask him whether… and he started rubbing his neck and doing this thing with his face which means there's something he wants to say, but he doesn't really know how to say it. Olivia is better at saying things, she just says them, and she did, she said, he can remember the words exactly, she said, "Zach, we were wondering whether you would like me to come and live with you." He was sitting on the floor in the living room, he remembers, and he jumped to his feet, and started saying something but Olivia said "hold on, wait, you see, if I come and live with you, it means that I'd be like… well, I'd be like your mum. Properly. It's a big thing, you see, so we need to know whether you'd be OK with that."

He doesn't really remember what happened after that, just that they were having big hugs and crying. Dad was crying too, but he felt OK about that, because you could tell he was really happy. Crying when you're happy is really good.

He was crying a lot that day - 185 days ago -because his dream had become real. And earlier today, when he got back from school, he felt like crying too, because they told him something so amazing he felt his heart would explode in his chest. That's what his drawing is about. First, he draws Fitz, then Olivia, then himself. Then, a bed. Then, a shape in the bed. He thinks some more. It's got to have hair. Lots of long hair.

Because it's going to be a baby girl.

**The** **End**

So that's all folks... thanks for all the support, I hope you've enjoyed it... Someone did suggest that I do a prequel- to explore their back story and touch on Fitz's past re. wife's/wife's death and his estrangement from Karen... Seeing as i've got the writing bug, I may be considering it, so watch this space.


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